Every idea, moment or whatever important, seems almost perfect until the moment you are almost reaching it thinking, “yes, this is it.” There is this brief moment when you do look both ways,
1. either to run back to something which is there: normal, comfort or
2. To run forward.
I do not understand emotions, but something about it makes us run for it, because it means that much, only to realize after a while that, this is not it and then watch it crumble down. The realization might hit in many different ways: failure, greed, discomfort, anything. And that realization does leave one lost for a while, wandering on some unknown line. The picture becomes hazy again, and there is some want which cannot be pin pointed at that moment. It is like knowing it is there, waiting, but unable understand what the “it” is. The force of “it” makes us run in some direction, push ourselves into something and that something we name it as passion. Probably it is a reason for distraction, but hey it is something. And it is working.
You know why it didn’t hurt when it crumbled? It didn’t because,
1. It really didn’t mean that much to you as you thought it did. You didn’t know yourself.
2. Or probably you did, and it did mean something, just that you started doubting it, started reasoning with yourself with and without emotions and decided that it doesn’t fit. Just doesn’t. Probably greed, probably disappointment, I don’t know. Probably, just stopped looking that way, because everything new grabbed your attention. Probably. Random theory in air.
And why this, its because I’m beginning to believe that there is nothing as “almost” perfect either. It either disappoints me or just doesn’t fit the picture. Something like, I’m never satisfied. I cannot say doubt doesn’t contribute to all this, it does. Because that’s where the reasoning starts. Saying there should be no effort makes it even more lifeless. I cannot sit in the car and wait for it to move. Can I?
To say I’m almost getting there, there should be this wild strong emotion in me. Like, if for a person I love, I should feel it, not wait to feel it. The moment I see the person, or hear him, emotions will be like water gushing in with force, no stopping. And that I didn’t honestly feel it for anyone other than family and my bestie of course. I could describe this because I felt it when I saw my nephew after a long time. It made me feel alive. So, if it is some person I’ll talk about, that is what that person will make me feel. Alive more than anything. And those conversations :))
And this is my reasoning for not reaching it, or letting it crumble and honestly not doing anything about it and then wandering on some unknown line to find the next “it”. Because, being me, it will hold for anything and everything. Emotions do exist. Hell yea! very much. Just that it is either in extremes or nothing, like a switch.
So, if there is something as “almost” perfect, it should be strong enough for me to catch my breath. Till then, I don’t mind being cold. 🙂
Surprisingly this and more was emancipating! Imagining talking to some void. 🙂