Something new and beautiful would start between two people was because of something I used to think as bond or a connection. It would have some meaning and importance. And because of that meaning it would grow and become stronger. Until I saw that it is as easy to break it as it is to make it. It is easy to pretend and believe that it is insignificant. Or believe in the fist of rage that it is actually insignificant and it stays that way because forgiveness comes with some incomplete feeling. And the ego lets it go to dumps and feels nothing about it. “Conscience, what is it?”, it will question.
But this is not what is bothering me. Understanding what relations are. What is bothering me is why I’m beginning to feel each of it is unreal, when I thought of everything that is/was significant. Coming to think of it, it anyways starts with a lie.
There is some bond one day. The other day it deteriorates because of either truth or lie, when it is understood. Now what truth and what lies, depends. Truth hurts. Lies hurt even more. No human is without ego, and ego is good sometimes. And all relations are spun around this: truth and lies which in turn is the reason of another big factor in a relation: trust. And these two things most of the times bruises human ego.
I’m really not understanding any relation. Kurt Cobain keeps yelling in my head, “A denial!” when I think of this, and I do not exactly understand why.
Ok, why friends/partners in first place? Probably to share happiness. Or emotions like “I love the street lamps and the way it makes the street look when going down Windsor Bridge, when I’m returning back home in the evening in bus. It always makes me smile and fall in love with the city all over again. Probably I just love late evenings and nights because for some reason it reflects my independence. And that is why I want to see city’s night life.” Now when I think of other incidences, I’m thinking probably to just share, any emotions. Anyways today I understood why I suddenly stopped sharing, that too specifically. It was because the essence of my emotions is not understood by anyone but me. It was not because of any bad chapter, or experience.
One phase, I thought perfect relation is when you just share everything, but anything personal. And I had that one too, until the other person shared something very personal. Something which made him enormously happy. I don’t know what made him to, probably he just wanted to be heard. Probably the trust. And the weirdest part I was vomiting words I didn’t actually feel, but thought I felt and that too in monosyllables. Isn’t that a lie?
Words have to be chosen very carefully. Anything said with best interest but with one wrong word is like putting a bullet through the relationship’s chest. Anything said in rage I beginning to believe is the actual truth about what we think of that friend, and how significant the relationship is. And this goes “Kaboom”. Relationship is not about taking sides, or about choosing between two people. It now looks more like it is about personal attention when it comes to that situation. Everyone loves attention. But kaboom. You supported the lie by calling the truth a lie. The bond and the trust breaks. The lie broke something very beautiful and something which was thought to be precious. Something which felt like a real connection, a honest one, where you could be yourself with this person. And slowly because of all this it evaporated. This is how ugly a relation can get.
Can someone be really that important? When all this happens, with no certainty of anything, with change of position of a person in one’s life, I’m beginning to wonder that more and more. And my answer is obvious. I’m probably a cynic because of my disappointments. I’m thinking I’m being realistic, which might sound cold, dumb to any other person. The questions don’t stop. One event after the other brings me closer to some understanding to some questions but never to this one, what exactly is a relation? Is there something as the one? Is there something as the perfect relation? What I’m tagging as one, how real is it? How honest is it? And which one comes with an expiration date?
I hardly made any sense.
Probably I don’t know what I want in a relationship. And when it goes in the destructive direction, probably then I break it.