The Dark Blue Monster

It has been a pain in my arse since the first time I experienced it. It’s like some steam bubbling inside some passage with acid flavor which burns in the words once it slips out of my tongue. The infamous temper. It will be called many different things, with  many different reasons for every situation.

I called it my alter ego. She is strong, firm, independent, straightforward, blunt, in control and cares less. Once she got out of control and I called her my Dark Blue Monster. The name stays till she is back being in control.

She (Blue) emerges only when she is provoked, knowingly or unknowingly. And that’s when the theory of “let the silence speak” fails, and that too miserably resulting in acidic burns. When it settles down remorse of it’s result inevitably follows. More than the remorse it’s the hurt I feel after the receiver gets the burn. Probably being selfish, but what the hey! I deserve my own attention too. And nursing it and making it go, definitely takes a long time.

Weirdest thing is, she (alter ego) may end up saying things I won’t mean, but make the person believe I meant every word I vomited. Or I may actually mean it. And this part is what hurts me the most, because that’s when everything beautiful is made insignificantly ugly.

When 12, bursting out would have been understandable. When 21, bursting out will be called immature, even if provoked. If kept to minimal, I guess it is ok. Still, even that minimal is very damaging. Sometimes for the good. The pent up anger may go out in short bursts of packets towards unintended people, resulting in small, serious damages. And then cry, “Everything happens at the same effing time!”

My Catch-22 situation: Let her speak ruthlessly and preserve my self respect, or just zip her and save something fairly significant?

What is infamous, stays that way. And that’s her only defense for her ‘pet’.
Clumsy excuse.
—..

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