Renunciation. Is that the solution? Only when I lose it all shall I find my happiness?
What is happiness?
I think it is the attachment to so many things that is causing this chaos in my head. Was Buddha really right when he spoke about detachment? Detachment from materialistic things I can understand and give up. But detach from those few human relations that I have? I can let go of people but not those who have had impact in my life. Including my family. I cannot detach myself from them.
I already give out very less of me. I had said I will try to give out more. But I do not understand what stops me. All the time. The lesser the people know, the better? Am I really saving myself the pain or am I saving those people from the pain? Do people actually want to listen and share? I don’t know. Is this coming in my way of happiness? By thinking about not giving myself out to the world? Happiness makes sense only when shared, right? Should I be concerned by this? So far, I am numb about it.
Money. It is a devil in angel’s disguise. That is what I would love to call it. It gives me control. I can get what I want with it when I cannot seem to get other things in my life. It seems to give me happiness. I also learned that it was momentary. It never could help me forget the other pending disappointments. At one point of my life, it had only pushed me to work more like a donkey towards realizing someone else’s dreams, so that I get paid more and then buy some more things and make myself and others around me happy.
It was not enough. So, I tried something else. I made it even more basic. I switched jobs. I picked the one where I would actually learn. Learn things I couldn’t name. Learning seemed to be vast. And I picked that over money. I know, I am still helping someone else achieve their dreams. My dreams are maybe long forgotten or lost. But, right now my journey with those friends towards their dreams is pretty good. My selfish motives, known only to me, is getting satisfied. And trust me, this journey is not a bed of roses. That is what makes it more adventurous. It is challenging, frustrating and tiring. There is something there in that journey that gives me tiny pleasures. Not happiness.
And I am back to questioning, what is happiness? I do not understand it anymore. I know it is a feeling. But what exactly is happiness?
Should I go down to minimal basics now? Become as minimal as a baby is? With nothing but a few clothes to wear, food that would sustain me and those close relations that would help me grow? Give things away in my room, in my wardrobe, in my drawers. Give away my books, my companions since I was growing up. I don’t know yet if I will have the heart to give my books away. Maybe, I am worried I will give away my memories with them. But I will try. I will give it away to people who will keep it safe. People who will appreciate them.
The more I seem to hold on to things, the lesser there seems to be room for anything else. Is this coming in the way of happiness?
These all seem to be theories and desperate attempts in attempt of pursuit of happiness.
But whatever needs to be done, must be done.
But if you have understood what happiness is, are you willing to share that with me? And tell me, what is happiness?