Struggling to find a healthy channel to tunnel all the unbearable rage spitting out of my clenched jaws. Over all those unanswered messages, the failed tests, the audacity of my own hormones for compelling my own body to disobey me.. Also such unbearable intolerance to humanity’s stupidness at times. It is overwhelming.
This rage heightens my obsession with all the suppressed obsession. Especially my insatiable obsession with the truth. The unbearable desire to break it to people without giving a damn to their feelings, because I feel liberated and assume that they would too, eventually. But not all are evolved. Some like to dwell in their own chimera.
Such coldness cannot exist in my bones for the sake of humanity. But this temptation is too hard to resist. Pure unadulterated truth just spills out unfiltered at my unprepared company’s ears, shaking their core and my sense of existence. I must say, it sounds very beautiful when it escapes my lips with such ease that it seems to simplify things and present them to my naked soul as is. I am sure my company wouldn’t appreciate it the way I do. But at that moment, I effing don’t care. I am comfortable in my skin and pure. At that moment, I do not want to understand the complexity of human need of reassurance. Because, at that moment I’m stripped off all the false hopes and reassurance with the naked truth simply confronting me pointedly in my face. I see no need to deny people of that either, whether they want it or not.
I do agree, many including me at times need the fake assurance to keep the hope alive and keep feeling alright. But at what expense? Isn’t it better to accept what is as is and hunt for the next best thing? We are anyways dying slowly everyday so why dwell? That makes me cold and heartless, so be it.
This is what people would call as the “demon” in me. It will be called a demon by them because usually the misunderstood/difficult side would be easy to tag as “the evil”. What is evil anyways? Isn’t ignorance and oblivion evil that way? Wouldn’t it be contradicting on humanity’s part to call the truth as evil? Don’t many people demand for truth at times?
Truth. At times a welcome blow that knocks the wind out of my lungs, making me more alive than ever, even when I will be gasping for my breath. An epitome of liberation. An epitome of true form of a person, mask-less, unfiltered and pure. It brings destruction, but with the peace it has to offer. Nothing else matters.
But, once the moment of crazed obsessive passion ceases, my eyes sees the destruction my uncontrolled tongue has left behind. Breaking some people and pushing them deeper in their own oblivion. But does it really matter? Isn’t truth more satisfying? Once they open their eyes and embrace the truth won’t it be more liberating? I sound heartless. Maybe I am.
But, I understand there are norms of society I must follow. I must lie in order to let the faith in humanity not cease. I must be conscious and not let anyone break because of my actions. Even in the course of me being heartless, I must understand my obsession isn’t theirs. Truth doesn’t matter to all, but yet it is demanded with such elan.
Such irony. Such a paradox. Such a waste.
If only I could tame my obsession with truth and actually want to tame it along with my imprudence and my tongue lash. Till then, oh what the hell, I may as well enjoy it. At whatever cost may be.