My Nagging Obsessions

This is one of those times when I want something, I have to have it. And the want becomes so aggressive that it borders to a nagging obsession. There is no rhyme or reason to why I want it. There is only one thing – I want it and it has to be mine.

An irritating trait.

So irritating that it goes beyond the “rational” logic of “What is yours will be yours”. That rational sounds more of a consolation. I do not want to wait for it to happen.  I am not that bold either. But all I simply know is I want it and make it mine.

Patience is a virtue they say. But when running out of time, what is patience? “It will eventually come to you if it has to be yours”, they say. An extension to that “rational” consolation. And I continue to grow more impatient by the end of the day.

There will be a false pretense and it all ends with a lie – it is not so significant. I do not know why is this that I want that I’ll wait, figure things out more, analyze more, ignore my emotions and see where it goes. It’s just an emotion after all.

Jibber jabber.

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Few Brilliant Things

A Book Store

It’s heaven on earth. As soon as I step into the store, everything is all right again. The more I look at the books, flipping the pages until I breathe in the scent of the pages; the more I can feel my worries ebbing out of me. Everything is non-existent, but the beautiful words spinning fantasies and adventures, luring me to get lost into. As I run my fingers on the spines of the books, I wonder which book awaits to mould me into something new. And before I know it, there will be a bunch of books cradling in my arms. And just like that the cashier will be swiping my card with a smile, beeping in the numbers waiting till I hear “tiding”on my phone. And I will be smiling back, signing the slip, opening the door and walking back with my guilt free indulgence till I see another glass door. And the books will be lovingly inviting me in.

Doctors

They are the biggest risk takers I have ever seen. A business risk seems nothing when you see them taking responsibility of saving lives. Breathing into us some air of relief when there is pain. When the wiring of our senses snap, they will all be working as a team, hollering the alchemic relief to make us sane. They beauty of doctors is, they do not go helping people and saving their lives because it is their jobs. They do it, because they want to. And when they genuinely care you feel safe.

A Support

Every mood is infectious. And thus, knowingly or unknowingly our spirits either rise or fall, regardless of our own moods. It is easy to walk away, to stay away from the negativity. It is tough to stay back and give a helping hand to a “friend” when personal good being is in consideration. But, there will be one support who will still stay back and dive in and pull the person out of his misery. Or be the much needed silent support till the pain passes by. This person might be you, letting your “friend” know that he/she is not abandoned and alone. There is support. This is friendship.


A migraine postdrome.
—..

When I realized what I was missing

It is great to be in love again. I can sleep comfortably in your arms, listening to your stories at night.
It is great to know what I love to do. I enjoy every second with it, doing it, passionately.
It is brilliant how “loving” things gives some meaning to my actions.
Other than cynicism. Blunt sarcasm. It does.
—..

Random thought again:
Does explaining another human of my actions, my words, my raw emotions, deprive those humans from thinking at all?
Rephrasing.
Does explaining everything and anything to someone, deprive them from thinking?

Why don’t they think?
I wonder, what runs in people’s mind when they don’t think about things that should matter.
I wonder, how does an empty silent mind would feel like.
I wonder, how people enjoy ignorance most of the time.
I wonder, how do people not enjoy discovering life. Anything about it.

What are you thinking?

 I, of New York. 🙂

Random Thoughts of an Exhausted Mind

There is a difference. Exhausted mind. Exhausted body.


 I should note down my thoughts. I have stopped doing that. The randomness of my thoughts is surprising me. Sometimes they are so beautiful and so fast, that it seems waste few hours later when I can’t even remember what I was thinking about.


 I hate the beginnings. I hate goodbyes. In between is the best time in any relation.


Today while walking down the road, facing the wind trying to blow me away and the vehicles that loved my legs, I realized what my dream is, is nothing but my passion. I wouldn’t know how passionate I am about my dream if I don’t even taste it. Let me lick it, let it tingle my tongue. Then there will be a big bite, the tingle will linger forever. That is my probability 1.
1 for hope
0 for failure
One risk I’ve to take.
Fear of failure, I’ve to face.

I love infinity.
I love numbers.
I love metaphors.
I love words.
I love puns.
I love oxymoron.
I love the word free.
I love freedom.
I love symmetry.
I love silence.
I love making people uncomfortable. Nice people.
I love sound. I love sight.
I love senses.
I love Batman.
I love Sherlock Holmes.
I love so many things.


Squirm sounds like worm.
Squeeze sounds squeeezy.


Secrets are beautiful. A hint about it and it creates an air of mystery. Decipher it. Find out what is hidden beneath all those lines.


The pursuit of perfect happiness. With a person. With self. One ignorable flaw discovered and it breaks the  beauty of perception of what seems to be perfect. For a person obsessed with perfection and only perfection it is tough to settle for anything. Just anything. A reminder to self: that flaw is the path to perfection. Perfection is untouchable-ly near.
Yea I created that word.


Secrets are intertwined with truth and lies. That makes it even more mysterious. How much does truth matter? How much does a lie matter? To keep a person motivated when she’s dying, tell her she is not dying? Lie. How much did it help her when she eventually heard what is happening to her? Truth eventually finds its way. Digs and digs and slaps you in your face.


How much can another human be trusted?


Sometimes it is fun to watch other person underestimate me. I like watching them get uncomfortable again when I decide to show how ignorant they are.


Being in control. At times it feels so powerful. Knowing when to be in control. Even more powerful.
I like the power.


Life is all about choices. Everything is about choices.
I chose to share my randomness with you today.


Why were prime number called as prime numbers? Who made all those rules about numbers?
Prime numbers are special. Just special. I am going to use them and make my secrets even more difficult for you to dig.


Decipher me.
I dare you.


It is so easy to fall in love with fictional characters.
It is so easy to fall in love with a voice of a face I have never seen.

The word beautiful is itself so beautiful.
Like the word free.


I should leave. I’ve to get stressed at office tomorrow, again.
I’m a grown up now. I work.

—..

My Memories

Not sure if confrontation with pain is good. I avoid it, pain that is. Even when it comes to needles. Painful memories were blocked. Then came this phase, when my experience was an answer to relief for others. My path of recovery was my “road never taken”, which was now a path to comfort for some who refused to listen to themselves. I was forced to revisit.

While teaching me about a process, he simply said (answering to one of my many questions): I share knowledge, I share my experience, I learn better. I learn more, every time.

I am not scared of revisiting memories. They don’t hurt me. They teach me.
—..

P.S.:  Blind guy: This is an answer for you. You talk about it with me, you don’t talk about it with me, once a chain starts in my head, there is a nuclear fission of thoughts. One link to another. 🙂

When you get more than you wish for

It is wonderful how we keep evolving. One of the most beautiful thing: evolving.

Back in late teens, when there was this fairy tale idea about love, when the mind was forever confused, where you said yes to a person/something just because that person wanted you to, or your best friend did a soul searching crap. Where the mind was so unsure of saying yes to what you actually wanted but instead ended up saying yes to things which were sugar coated and unreal, to things which seemed to right to the third person not you. Staying in something because the other was sure that it will work even when you kicked inside to get out of it. But, you stayed.

Evolution brings out the ugliness of that sugar coated love.

Independent mind.

You know, the best thing about flights? Take off.

It slowly steers towards the runway. A powerful wooshing sound and then it runs with such powerful force that you are pushed back on your seat. That energy is mind blowing. It bubbles something inside that red pumping thingy inside my chest, which I tag as euphoria. This is exactly how evolution feels. From dependence to one independent mind.

Where I say no because I didn’t want it. Where I say yes, because I honestly wanted it. Where I decide without crappy unasked advices. Where I choose what I want to believe in and what to discard. Where I do not ask if I should or shouldn’t to those sugar coated jackasses when I want to do something and instead I just do it. Where I only say things when I mean it and do not see the need to sugar coat it. Where I despise reasons and no more scared about what you’ll think when I say that. Where I refuse to give explanations unless necessary. Where I make my decisions.

Independent mind.
—-

I am obsessed with the whole independence idea.

It is the best thing that ever happened to me. More than I wish for part: My baggage – Chennai. But hey, I am out of a box! Probably I’m romanticizing with this idea because I imagine I feel suffocation. Part of evolution: getting out of comfort zone.

She warned me again when I visited her recently. She discarded many of my ideas. Her reason: None. I’ll learn in time. (She is awesome!)

And then, the most wonderful thing happened. When coming back home via flight, starting from take off to in flight mode I realized life is just the same as from that Point A period to Point B period: There is that powerful force, energy full of excitement, you’ll climb higher and higher. The elevation will be bit uncomfortable, past fading away, some a bit painful. Then comes the cloud of forgotten fading memories and then finally the stable flight with slight turbulence now and then. Depending on clouds.

It’s wings were my wings.

That made me look forward to everything.
—-

Whats with those couples? Trying to hook single people every time! Every boy I am with is my guy? Kya yaar? Arey, I do not want your misery! I am euphoric! Very very euphoric! Single hood is THE best thing ever happened to me! This is where the independent mind started. Iyam very very free. That last one was like a fucking cage where I had to sing like that emperor’s nightingale. Why do you want to mess with me ya!? I’ll tell you when I find a real man. Man I say, “Man”. Not one of those crying, PMSing, complaining, sensitive, going and crying to mama/girlfraand (when I upset them :D) boys. Booyaaaiss.
—..

Random Mumbles

Playful

The best thing about photography is, even if you have great memory, looking at a picture will flood millions of emotions. Even though it is too much for me to handle feelings, looking at my candid shots always makes me welcome them and smile.

Like this little girl here. I remembered everything about her when I started working with this year old picture.
She was a daddy’s girl. I assumed he was her dad. She was be playful, calm and happy whenever she was in his arms, and like a tornado if anyone else touched her. Had met her in Lalbaugh, flower show 2010. And I couldn’t help following her around for a while. Cutest smile!
——
Every girl’s dream:
1. Paint her nails blue.
2. Sport a messy hairdo.
3. Get referred as a dude, and literally.
4. Try and get callouses on her fingers.
——
I Am Free!

This will be my all time favorite amateur shot of mine. This will always remind me of how we were when we were kids:

Unbound, innocent and free. Carefree nature. And this, makes me feel that. I had written a short poem called Unbounded, which now when I think of it, fits this picture perfectly.
I had thought, and was made believe that this is a phase, that poem of mine. But now when I think of it, it is was not a phase. It was what I wanted. And it is how exactly I am existing right now.
Being a cynic is ok. But being cynic to the extent of destroying everything within yourself and others, I suggest please shoot yourself.
Fine, destroy whatever you want within yourself, but let others be. Just because you are depressed and dead inside, doesn’t mean you’ll make others believe they are too.
And yes, all this blabber talk comes out something. Make me believe that I do not want to belive this. Make me feel that, this is not what I’m feeling. I stupidly nodding to everything, like a person with no spine. And then morphing to be all that to be your pretty wife. And that is what is exactly called as being bounded.
Kids are beautiful. Remind us of so many things which eventually even they will forget as they grow up. Like that kid. And sometimes it is really amazing that, how you can actually feel what the other is feeling, if intensly. Like it is infectious.
——
The most frustratingly exhausting feeling is feeling empty. I find it weird to call empty as a feeling. Feeling nothing is a feeling. WTF.
The most irritating feeling is wanting something badly but failing to understand what that something is.
And suggestion I get to clear my head, “Go poop.” For better understanding.
Funny my dear Dove, but WTF!

I really have awesome set of close friends.

——
Best feeling ever?
Craving for cheese pizza at midnight, or anything with cheese. Why? Because I’m hungry!
Get up next morning. And guess what’s for breakfast?
Cheese sandwich. 😀
Yea, I made it happen. Made it myself.
Mom’s not gonna like it. 😀 😀
——
And then, after I started ignoring my craving, I suddenly remembered my pen pals. One was from states. Other had moved from Britain to SA, Kenya. The one in Kenya apparently resembled to Daniel Radcliffe. And the one in states, she had 13 siblings! Ignoring that, they really were very interesting people. Whatever made me delete the contacts. Kenya friend was on my FB list. Then again, what made me delete that contact again…
Hmm. Lets see:
I was 17. (Surprised that it lasted from when I was 12 to say about 15!!)
He was too British for me (?!?) But definitely very very interesting person.
Back then, I simply wanted to know how different they are. And to my surprise, they were full of feelings and emotions! Great sense of humor. Friendship was a big deal to them. Friends were someone they could talk to. And being in a different country, it was easier for them to share their lives. Or probably those two were like that. As we say, the growing teen age phase. Who knows, might have turned up like me. 😛
Yes, I do remember their names. Aden and Catylin. If they do remember me, and if something happens in this small world and we miraculously find each other again, I would really like to know how they are doing. Because, in the end back then I was like them too.
——
—..

A Tribute

He always seemed like Einstein to her, minus his crazy hair. That slight polio limp in his leg wouldn’t stop him from moving briskly in and out of his house. The memory is fuzzy, after all the girl was about 5-6 year old. He talked about things which would always have caught her attention. Evenings were the best. Her fairytale world would come alive. She would wait every evening, he would walk in home take few minutes rest and put on the video tapes in for her. And she would watch it sitting on the floor with a huge smile pasted on her face. That’s how Beauty and The Beast had come to be her all time favorite.
He was a surgeon who saved her daddy, from what she never understood. But he, her uncle saved her daddy with stitches around his throat.
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?
That was her wonderful Mysore trip. Years passed. She inspired to become a painter looking at her cousin’s paintings, which were sent over by him. She drew well, but her colors were always flat. Her daddy pushed her told her how to hold her brush, but they were still almost flat. And then, she declared she will work for the FBI and made herself a badge based in NY. Inspired by Agent Scully.
Few  more years passed by. By now, Gregor Mendel had entered her life. And she was fascinated like never before. His experiments impressed her 15 year old heart like no one had. The field impressed her even more, especially when it came to human gene. She read more, and decided she’ll be like him and find a cure for cancer. Yes, that will be it.
We’re all we got in this world
When it spins, when it swirls
When it whirls, when it twirls
Then came those precious Boards. And just like that, finally it was over. And she finally saw him again, after years. He looked a bit tired and worn, the spirit was still the same. He sat on his beautiful black leather sofa right across her, and asked her, “So, what do you want to be?”
She shifted in her sofa, she wanted to be bit of everything.

And we don’t know why
We fear how we feel inside
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
Her parents were listening to the conversation standing in other room, and she struggled in her head on how to start talking. There were so many things bursting in her mind.
But she finally answered, “A genetic engineer”. And started speaking about all her to do things once she becomes one, starting with cancer.
“A FBI agent!! But I hate civics!”
After sometime, “A surgeon! But I cannot see blood, nor the beating heart. I tried on Discovery, but no!”
And then started the famous unexpected counseling. The head searching, the soul searching.
She wasn’t pushed. She was just made to think, and she asked herself what is right for her. The options were laid in front of her. She asked again, what was she passionate about? She was so hell bent on being a scientist that her family dentist had gifted her a book on genetics.
Then he broke her chain of thoughts and told her, “Reach for the stars, but don’t expect all your dreams to come true.” and went in to talk to the grown ups. She never really understood the complete meaning then.
Two years later, she decided to become an engineer.
He was proud.
And she got to know he’s diagnosed with cancer. She wasn’t told before, because she was too young to understand then.
First year results. He asked her how she did. A 9 pointer, she said. He said he was proud again.
He asked her to try and top her university. But she didn’t just didn’t want to.
He called time to time to talk. And one day, he said, he just wants to die.
She said, she wouldn’t let him.

But it’s just something we have no control over and that’s what destiny is
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we’ll wake up and this will all just be a dream
By the end of her second year, she went to meet him. He didn’t look at her. He didn’t respond back to her greeting. He didn’t want to see her. Was pointedly ignoring her.
The whole family and relatives had gathered. He wanted to meet everyone, explain what his condition is. Talk to them. Just talk. He didn’t let her come in the room. He didn’t tell why. But her cousin brother was allowed. Hurt, she ran to his room and cried to sleep.
Third year, one day before she left for her college her dad breaks the news, “Your uncle is no more. Yesterday midnight.”
Shock.
Leaves for college. Reaches college.
Shock.
Breaks down.
You’re scared, I ain’t there?
Daddy’s with you in your prayers
No more crying, wipe them tears
Now with a job in hand, she wished she could break the news to him and listen to him say, “I’m so proud of you.”
It was not the closeness. It was not the support. It was not dependency or neediness. It was an attachment. Her first attachment, which dawned on her two years later when she got up this morning and broke into tears in the bathroom, suddenly missing him. For the first time she understood what missing someone is. For the first time, she really missed someone.
All I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I’m sitting in this empty house, just reminiscing
Almost two years now. It is late, but a small tribute to that great surgeon, dean, loving husband and father, and my uncle. You will be missed whenever I touch a milestone of my achievements.
Thank you for showing me the stars when I was lost. For saying you were proud when I felt never good enough with myself.
I’mma give you the world
I’ll do anything for you to see you smile
—..