The Time I Survived

Yesterday, I felt my end was near.

There was a sharp, shooting pain that took birth from my ear till my chest. Numbing my face, making it difficult to speak. 

Fear rose in my chest, leaving the tiny red beast within the confines of my rib cage in a tizzy. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Yet, I could feel it. My end was near. 

There was a serene acceptance. Almost embracing the fate that seemed sealed within the confines of my mind.  

I wondered if you would remember me. I wondered if you will look at my typed out words, resting in your phone and feel loved. I wondered, if my words would help you feel cherished. I wondered if you could finally feel me next to you.

The day sailed by, without any physical incident to the little red beast. It was still beating. By night, it slept restlessly. 

Then there was dawn. 

I had survived.

But my words still hung on in your phone with a silent hope in my being that those words would still have an effect on you, which I cannot define.


Understanding Mortality

Nothing is more final than death. Period.

One moment there is existence. One moment there are emotions. One moment there is this belief that things will keep going on, we will keep moving on, we will keep discovering things, we will keep loving people.
And then, one sudden moment, it is dark. It is blank. It is over.

What would it matter then? Would you know what has happened after you take your last breath? Would it matter who says what about how you lived your life? Would it matter that someone once brutally broke your heart? Would it matter that you couldn’t buy that last remaining limited edition book that you always wanted? Would it matter that you couldn’t tell the person what you wanted to say, in your carefully chosen words? Would anything ever matter at all, once you are gone?

That will be the finality, leaving no room for hopes. That will be the end of mortal existence.

We are in a beautiful continuation now, yet dying very slowly, every second of our time. Trying to understand the beautiful soul that resides in our body filled with potential you yourself do not know.

Can you now think of what to do with your soul? Would you still wait for someone to find your soul so that you can finally be someone’s forever? Would you listen to yourself? What would you do?

How will you live your life now?

On Pain and Love

Apparently, pain demands to be felt. But then what about love? Love, something that which we pursue so desperately. To love and be loved. To bask in the admiration of one person we truly wish to be with. Drunk, so passionately on this idea that love and only love can mend everything that has been broken and left broken inside of us. Drunk, so hopelessly on this belief that, that one love will make it all right and that we will be whole again.

Pain, I agree demands to be felt. It is felt. Felt so deeply that at times I do not know what to do with that feeling. Maybe this pain is out of missing someone who has now slipped onto the other side. Maybe the reason behind this pain is the insecurity and jealousy that has creeped into my mind because of my obsessive assumptions nearing to unhealthy paranoia. Maybe the reason behind the pain is the acceptance that the one thing I wanted was never meant to be mine in the first place. Maybe. There are many generic reasons. And once the pain is allowed to be felt, we will always look for love to fill the void.

Might there not be a reason that love is not getting the proper recognition that it deserves? Pain demands to be felt, but does it need to be so morbidly dramatized? I don’t know. Maybe this all is a reasoning. Maybe this is me consoling myself asking me to stop letting the pain of the void be felt for such a long time. Still, I cannot stop wondering if it really is all about love than pain. If it’s secretly all about the want to be loved and cared for rather than swim in the attractive melancholy of pain bringing out the genius/poet inside of us. Really, in the end, when we are stripped off of everything what do we really want? And the answer ringing in my head is – love.

Love is what would bring peace in our minds and hearts. Love is what that would at times make us wonder if we are happy or sad.

Maybe this might be it. Or maybe not.

Maybe this is all as void and still like vacuum. Maybe.

Maybe it is all a game of time. Demanding to feel one thing after another. One more than another. Demanding to feel all at once sometimes. Maybe.

Right now there are feelings that are exploding like cherry bombs in my chest that I do not know what to do with these feelings at all. Probably dig and indulge in all the old memories.

Such a hot plate of mess.

My Life before Death

Death is the ultimate finality to everything. Nothing puts a big period at the end of anything as death. It means serious business and once it hits, there are no second chances.

I don’t find myself pining to the past. But I can’t help wonder, “What if?”

What would he have said, if he would have seen me right now? What would he have said, looking at all my achievements and failures right now? What if he were here with me, would I have missed his laughter the way I miss it now? A deep throaty and a hearty laughter.

He stood there, in front of the Eifel Tower, smiling and waving in the picture. It looked like the unsaid final goodbye. And nothing gripped my heart stronger than this. The last time we spoke, we parted saying, “Until later.” Not knowing this would be the last conversation we would be ever having. Not knowing the time is shorter than we had anticipated. Regretting the trip that I delayed to see him. I apparently didn’t have time.

This void will never cease to exist.

This finality made me wonder, and question lot of things.

The most haunting question was, “What is the point of everything?” Melancholy sets in easy, I know. But I couldn’t help wonder this over and over again. Is it just the want of being immortal? Because when I leave, I wouldn’t be able to take anything with me. I will have nothing: No second chances. No another – just one more breath. No one last hug. Not even time. Nothing.

Nothing will last. Even if it is immortality that I will be chasing in the name of my dreams, the immortality will also not last. It will eventually fade with the generations to come. What is the point then? I am optimistic. But, haven’t you thought of it too once?

There is everything to lose, at the end of this journey. Still, why do we pine and hold on to things? Chase things? Even the achievements that we would have earned, what would it matter once we are on the other side?

I ask this, once again, what is the grand purpose of everything? At times, when I wonder over this, I feel mechanical, as if my senses are in a comatose and I am merely existing, trapped in my body and moving around doing things as they are supposed to be done, unaware of my surroundings. Moving around people like they are some mere entities, moving around, just like me. This all makes me question again and again, am I merely existing? I would like to believe, I am little more than ordinary. I enjoy the quests and challenges. I do. But then again, what is the grand plan? What is the reason of my existence?

He brought lot of laughter and happiness in our lives. He liked to enjoy everything on his terms, when it came to himself. This is what I primarily remember of him whenever he crosses my mind. He took nothing with him.

I wonder, if he is standing on the other side and looking at things down here, wondering how he could have done that something in a different way. I wonder, if he is feeling free from all the pain he had to go through. I wonder, what he must have felt first once he was on the other side. If he found the answers to all these questions. If he found the secret of the grand plan. If he found out what needs to be chased in this life. If he found the reason behind our existence. I wonder, if he understood the “point of everything”. If everything looks silly to him, when he looks down here from the other side.

It is only death of a close one that makes us stop for a while and rethink everything. Is it because of the finality staring straight in our eyes? Or is it the harsh reality that is mocking us in our face, telling us again and again that nothing lasts forever.

What is it?

This unrest is unsettling. The shades of grey are never ending. It is an uncomfortable acceptance that it is highly unrealistic to expect things to be in perfect black or white.

Till there is a strong answer to all this burning curiosity, I will continue to chase all the things that I would fight tooth and nail to have in my life. I will try my best and appreciate everything around me more and prioritize what does and does not matter. I will live and not merely exist.

Probably, this is what he would want too.

Life Goes On

Nights are always the toughest. Pain demands to be felt. After the struggle to remain composed, I will eventually have to let the pain be felt, till a point that it will cease to hurt and become numb.

As days and time goes by, it will all be ashes scattered in the wind and I will learn how to live with the void.

I will wait for the sun to rise over the horizon and pull up a facade of composure, till the void ceases to exist.

Till then I understand, life goes on.

My Tryst with My Reality

I have come in terms with the fact that death is natural and inevitable. It is unrealistic of me to hope that someone I dearly love, would be with me till I breathe my last. This is the ultimate harsh reality and there is no escaping it, I have learned.

You never know, what you speak with and when you meet with someone would be the last time forever. And eventually what will remain is the memories of the sounds of their hearty chuckle. As time passes, like all memories, we will slowly forget how they sounded like. They will be forever be embedded as one of those irreversible fragment of our memory.

Death is a powerful teacher, once you finally embrace the truth of it.

If the relationship means something, I do not ever want to waste time being mad at that person for a long time. I want to make sure every time we part, we are smiling at each other. I want to make sure nothing is left unsaid or unheard.

Seriously in the end, what would matter the most? Eventually, it all boils down to our ego and pride. I am not saying we should be devoid of it. Pride and ego in a healthy amount is very important for self preservation. What I am saying is we should learn to put is aside when it comes to people we truly care about. Because, think of it, what if that would be the last time you ever spoke?

We always have choices with  us, no matter what. Choice of how we would want to steer our life ahead. Choosing what kind of person we would want to be. It would eventually be about making the right choices, cautiously. Because, in the end, nothing would last forever, but the memories.

It is ironic that the end of something turned out to be a bitter teacher than life itself, forcing myself to confront with the conflicts of life. Opened my eyes to make the right decisions with my choices.

So, you tell me, what matters the most to you in your life?