That Goofy Face

There’s always this boy. I had a minor crush on him. Then we became, sort of, friends. Every time he opened his mouth, I would always feel that I like him lesser. But then, no matter what he said, this tall boy, when he would smile his full goofy smile at me whenever he passed me by, I could feel my heart do a double somersault no matter how hard I suppressed it. His smile was big and always seemed​ to reach his eyes. 

I would avoid his eyes every time we passed each other by. Especially if it was more than once in a day. Because he smiles his big smile every single time! Even if he was annoying and taken, his smile was contagious. His smile would leave a smile on my lips which would pass on to the next person passing me by. 

He is unaware and it will stay that way. It will be my little secret corner in a small room in my head: He’s that goofy faced friend, who notices it all, and makes me smile unwittingly ever time he smiles. And my day gets better.

Birth of Hope

The setting was perfect. The sun had just set. There was a hint of rainy clouds coupled with a light breeze. The sky was the shade of dark navy blue slowly darkening to black.

I was nearing my block, that’s when I saw them. A couple. They must have been in their late 70s. The first thing that I noticed was the way they held each others hands. She had a firm grip, maybe helping him balance. Maybe holding herself steady. Or maybe, just holding because she wanted to. He had his walking stick in his other hand. They walked slowly, one small step at a time. In perfect sync. 

I couldn’t help but smile. 

Even for a cynic, with all the distrust in the world, looking at them couldn’t help but for that moment believe that things could be as real as that couple who had grown old together and still seemed to be very much in love.

Discovering Old Memories

There is such pleasure in organizing things. I always feel like I am clearing some clutter and organizing things in my head along with the things I am organizing around me. By the end of the entire exercise, I feel at peace and satisfied. Another beauty of organizing, finding out things that are buried somewhere – maybe in dust or maybe under some pile of books.

Yesterday, while organizing, I found a book called “Simple Ways To Manage Stress“, which was passed on to me by my dad. Looking at its green and blue cover, I was transported back to the day when I was maybe 10-12 year old:
It was a hot summer day. My summer vacations were going on. That evening, dad had handed me some A4 sheets along the book and marked couple of pages that had some pictures. I was supposed to draw and color  those pictures in the sheets that he had given me.

I remember drawing a farmer with birds over his head and a conversation bubble over his head. There were some more similar simple pictures that I don’t remember right now. All that I remember is that I was having fun drawing them and then coloring them with my precious rainbow color pen set (I still have them. In working condition 😀 ).

He later told me that they were for his presentation at office and that his audience had understood the presentation better and interacted during the session because of the pictures that I drew. I do not know how he presented it in the conference room without using a laptop and a projector (I will ask him, once I finish this post), but when he told that, I felt so proud and pleased that I could help dad out with his work. Remembering this, made me happy.

Simple pleasures and simplest of acknowledgement were all that I needed when I was a kid. Reflecting on the memory, I feel it is still the same, even when I am all grown up. I still thrive on the simplest of pleasures and simplest of acknowledgement from the people that I love and care about. This is what that still makes happy.

Relationships might not be easy. I might not have lot of experience in this area. But looking back at this memory, I realized one basic thing – Acknowledge the person and the person’s efforts for you. Respect each other. Love without any boundaries or limitations. Elementary things. Simplest of simple things. But these are the things that matters the most.To me, to you and to everyone! This is what makes us all happy.

I still do not have the answer to “What is happiness?” but now, I can feel and understand what makes me happy. Must focus on it. Like Charles Bukowsi said, I must keep finding things that I love and let it kill me.
—..

Listen

Listen to yourself, even when people around you keep saying nay to the thing that you want to do.

Listen to them, if you do not want to hurt them. But, do what you wanted to do anyway.

Stand up to your fears and face them. Not many have the courage to listen to themselves and carry out things as they had exactly planned. Do not let anyone put across their reasons as to why you shouldn’t do it. If you feel strongly about it – that you should do it, do it.

There will be consequences to your actions, but do not worry about it now. Do not worry about how the consequence will turn out. Do what you have been planning to do. Because, once you go through what you have planned, it will set you free. You will feel light and peaceful.

Why am I saying this? Because, today is the day, I set myself free. I listened to myself and summed up my courage to take the step to do what I want. I did what I wanted.

I did it.

One step at a time.
—..

My Temporary Roomy

Her legs are folded sideways, with a file resting on her lap for the lack of board around, she stares at her notes and then furiously starts writing in her notepad. Then looks up at me with a serenity that I did not believe existed when I start any random topic, which would slowly steer towards psychology of a child. That is her passion. Her children. She is selfish enough to make sure she is living her dreams too by taking right step for her children.

Talking to her today, restored my faith in my thoughts. My thoughts are too mature for my age, but then they are my beautiful thoughts. My thoughts that would want to define my life. My thoughts which would define a purpose for my life. My thoughts which give a meaning to what I do. My thoughts which are eventually my actions. My actions have purpose, reason and are not aimless. My actions are beautiful and planned. My actions are patient and is rightly rewarded.

You would say, “What is the point anyways? To anything you would do.” But then hell, why not? Why shouldn’t it mean something? That is why it makes us human in first place. My thoughts are what makes what is me, me in the first place. Why would you want to stop that? Why would you want to tag an idea as “you are worrying too much? If what are you are doing now, is going to be pointless in any and every point of your life, why are you wasting your energy by investing your time in it? Why don’t you walk ahead?

Passion and pleasure. That is it. Passionate in whatever you do and taking enormous amount of pleasure out of it. That is life. A beautiful life. Doing what you love to do. I used to wonder if I should keep my passion apart from my work so that when I turn back to it, it will be like my fun paradise that I would want to visit when I am saturated. Now, I would rather be in my paradise always. I rather love what I do, rather than keep it waiting till I get time to touch it.

Life has a purpose. It has to have a meaning. My birth has a purpose. I am here to do something significant enough to make some impact if not on the whole world, at least a small world around me. But there has tobe an impact, there has to be an difference here, because of me. I want to be a change.

Walking ahead with an aim and a goal is anytime better than wandering aimlessly. Walking aimlessly is like insulting time. Time is very precious and very scarce. Why would you insult it? There is no forever, literally. You may as well simply enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Nothing summarizes what I am trying to say best about time and life than these few lines from a Ghazal:

“Waqkt ki quaid mein, zindagi hai magar
Waqkt ki quaid mein, zindagi hai magar
Chand ghadiyan yehi hai jo azaad hai
Chand ghadiyan yehi hai jo azaad hai
Inko khokar meri, jane jaa
Umr bhar na taraste raho..”
—..

P.S.: You will never read this, but thank you Mamta.
You were the first point of butterfly effect in my day (after a long time) today for the rest of my life.

P.P.S: A very happy new year, my beautiful lovelies 🙂
Small heart bubbles for you 😛
Too cheesy? 😀

My Ultimate Fling

What is life, if there is no risk?
What is life, if there is no adventure?
What is life, if there is no challenge?
What is life, if there is no passion?
What is life, if there is no curiosity?
What is life, if there is no moment of euphoria?
What is life, if you preserve your heart in a casket?
What is life, if you have not stopped to smell the flowers?
What is life, if you refuse to taste it at all?
—..

My Big Jump

One sunny morning, deep inside a forest, I find myself walking wherever my legs can carry me; until I reach the edge of a steep cliff. I turn around and see a beautiful meadow, with its tall green blades of grass and beautiful red poppies swaying softly to the warm breeze. I turn around to face the sky with a hint of smile breaking on my lips.

I take a step closer to the edge of the cliff with my arms wide open, breathing in the fresh air, letting the sun kiss my cheeks and the soft breeze ruffle my hair across my face. As I brace my legs to leap into the light air for my first big jump, I feel a hand with iron grip, clasp around my wrist and pull me back. I stumble and throw my hands out to break the fall. I look up to find your unsmiling face. Your lips finally move and softly whisper into my ear as you pull me off the ground, “Not yet. Just not yet.” Rest of the moment was a blur with the vivid image of your back fading away from my vision, leaving me gasping for air.

After what seemed like an eternity, I turn around again, facing the vast infinity of beautiful risks across the cliff, wondering what lies ahead. I hear your voice soothe into my senses again, “You belong here, with me.” My silence is an offence. With a soft voice you ask, “Don’t you?” I shake my head and break free from your clasp and make my big jump. I hear the wind gush into my ear.

Right now, my wings are as big as my strength. With my big jump, I now have the power to steer it in the direction I would like to glide. Just hope, the wind blows just right.
—..

When Everywhere I see, I see Red, Blue and White

Arranged Love. Sounds like another oxymoron to me. It is.
Oxymoron. Morons.
Too many morons with an irritating fake laughter which is forced out from their throat. Sounds like those morons are raping laughter. Yeahahaha you are so fuckin funny. I won’t laugh. Hate me.

Sarcasm is a great creation. What would have the first man/woman have felt when he/she uttered a sentence that was like a punch, but still not a punch? Pleasure! Pleasure pleasure pleasure!

Did you ever feel like you are sitting in a place and you feel you are existing in the wrong place? And that place is a “world” at that moment.  Like, you belong to a different world? Like existence is waste in this particular “world”?

Why did I every say arranged love? I love telling people what to do and I don’t like people bugging me asking me what to do. So yes, that is my assigned job. Contradiction. Probably, I am beginning to love what I hate. Probably I sat in that red cubicle for long enough that I’m beginning to think I’m extraordinarily ordinary.

I miss cursing. Mellowing down is like eating up my creamy crunchy layer. Whaat the phuck!

Too much of Blue and White in my wardrobe.
Today evening, I will use my Davidoff. Finally. FINALLY! The day is here.
Here. Now. Present, right here, right now is such a nice time.
Now this world, is where I belong. 🙂
—..

Random Thoughts of an Exhausted Mind

There is a difference. Exhausted mind. Exhausted body.


 I should note down my thoughts. I have stopped doing that. The randomness of my thoughts is surprising me. Sometimes they are so beautiful and so fast, that it seems waste few hours later when I can’t even remember what I was thinking about.


 I hate the beginnings. I hate goodbyes. In between is the best time in any relation.


Today while walking down the road, facing the wind trying to blow me away and the vehicles that loved my legs, I realized what my dream is, is nothing but my passion. I wouldn’t know how passionate I am about my dream if I don’t even taste it. Let me lick it, let it tingle my tongue. Then there will be a big bite, the tingle will linger forever. That is my probability 1.
1 for hope
0 for failure
One risk I’ve to take.
Fear of failure, I’ve to face.

I love infinity.
I love numbers.
I love metaphors.
I love words.
I love puns.
I love oxymoron.
I love the word free.
I love freedom.
I love symmetry.
I love silence.
I love making people uncomfortable. Nice people.
I love sound. I love sight.
I love senses.
I love Batman.
I love Sherlock Holmes.
I love so many things.


Squirm sounds like worm.
Squeeze sounds squeeezy.


Secrets are beautiful. A hint about it and it creates an air of mystery. Decipher it. Find out what is hidden beneath all those lines.


The pursuit of perfect happiness. With a person. With self. One ignorable flaw discovered and it breaks the  beauty of perception of what seems to be perfect. For a person obsessed with perfection and only perfection it is tough to settle for anything. Just anything. A reminder to self: that flaw is the path to perfection. Perfection is untouchable-ly near.
Yea I created that word.


Secrets are intertwined with truth and lies. That makes it even more mysterious. How much does truth matter? How much does a lie matter? To keep a person motivated when she’s dying, tell her she is not dying? Lie. How much did it help her when she eventually heard what is happening to her? Truth eventually finds its way. Digs and digs and slaps you in your face.


How much can another human be trusted?


Sometimes it is fun to watch other person underestimate me. I like watching them get uncomfortable again when I decide to show how ignorant they are.


Being in control. At times it feels so powerful. Knowing when to be in control. Even more powerful.
I like the power.


Life is all about choices. Everything is about choices.
I chose to share my randomness with you today.


Why were prime number called as prime numbers? Who made all those rules about numbers?
Prime numbers are special. Just special. I am going to use them and make my secrets even more difficult for you to dig.


Decipher me.
I dare you.


It is so easy to fall in love with fictional characters.
It is so easy to fall in love with a voice of a face I have never seen.

The word beautiful is itself so beautiful.
Like the word free.


I should leave. I’ve to get stressed at office tomorrow, again.
I’m a grown up now. I work.

—..

Yappy New Year!!

That corporate world with a noose around your neck (read: tie) and pins below your heels (read: heels), where you are asked to tone down the “real” you to be a “better” you even before you get to know the “real” you. Just when I thought I am discovering myself, some ugly hidden, ignored masks I was asked to pretend and paste a smile on my face. Where I’m to swallow any disgust I feel. Where I am to pretend to be polite till it is imprinted in the basic root of my character.
I feel so grown up.
In a way, it is good. Perhaps this will bring more balance, emotionally. Stop feeling remorse after every outburst because there will be none. Perhaps better personality. The sassy-ness will probably go down a bit, yea. But will probably metamorphose into a quieter and an elegant person .
I am suddenly so grown up. 😀
The best thing about dealing with anything new is giving in to it, completely. The faster the better. Soaking in it completely. And that’s how Poda Land seems so beautiful ignoring the roads and the pollution. It’s the place where all the autowalas imagine themselves to be riding a Hayabusa. Where the skin glows. Where the people are smarter. Where the women ride  bicycle with an umbrella in one hand. Where the winters are like the summers of Bangalore. 🙂
Probably this is how it is when it comes to lurve. The faster you give in, the lesser the resistance. Lesser the resistance, the more you can enjoy it.
Life is beautiful. So damn beautiful. 🙂
Yappy yappy beginning in this new new year. Where I slept off exhausted on mumma’s lap.
How sweeet, no? 😛
And a very Happy New Year to you 🙂
—..