That One Hug

They stood on the porch at four hours past midnight, as their paths awaited to be diverged again. Their adventure had come to an end. With time, the familiarity that the distance had deprived them of, was discovered in an unknown land. With time, the comfort of being themselves with each other had fallen in comfortably like that one missing puzzle of a jigsaw.

When it was time to say their goodbyes, he held his hand forward while she glared at his formality. She opened her arms timidly and he took a step forward and gave her a hug. This was not a drunken state of mind hug. This was a conscious hug. And his hug conveyed everything that maybe his words couldn’t for the last three years of knowing each other over long distance.

That one hug, opened up a box of suppressed emotions in her. But she hid her face in the dark as she saw him sit in the car and head towards the airport. She walked away towards the elevator before he could see her again from his car.

But that one hug…

The pretense icicles in her heart had melted. There was acceptance of deep attachment to another human being. She was overwhelmed and surprised with the enormity of the feelings she had for him.

She held back the dry tears that threatened to break from her eyes. She thought maybe sleep will make it easy to bear. Maybe sleep will make the ‘momentary’ feeling wash away, she thought. She went and slept on his freshly made bed.

The morning after dark was cloudy with light drizzles. The enormity of being able to feel so deeply had still successfully caught on with her as she boarded her cab towards the airport. She confided in her friend, who sat next to her with her arms on her shoulder, as she began to understand that she was simply missing him. She had gotten used to the unasked assurance from him. The unasked fulfilled promise of being by her side, no matter how, when she needed him the most. She had gotten used to his presence around her during their adventure together. As her friend held her, she let go of her pride and felt hot tears flow freely from her eyes.

It was finally the acceptance of a beautiful bond that they shared – friendship. It was a pure, unadulterated, unselfish, maybe a little selfish, friendship. It was the acceptance of letting go of her controlled boundaries and acknowledge the special place he held in her life. It was this acceptance that made her determine to make an attempt to show her emotions like he did with her all the time.

To be honest, she had taken a while to realize the emotions of his hug. Once the feeling of his arms around her shoulders was gone, only thing that remained was the warmth that he had left behind. Maybe this was their last goodbye after all.

My Beloved Ghost

Thank God for photographs for capturing all my memories.

Whatever has ceased to exist in reality somehow stays alive in those glossy papers. Whatever has been turned into ashes is still flesh and bones in those photographs. I might not be able to touch you anymore, I might not be able to reach out to you and say, “Hey I miss you. I will be coming down next September to see the snow”, or I might not be able to hear your voice again. But at least it doesn’t let me forget how you smiled. It doesn’t let me forget the dimple that dug deep in your cheek. Your face won’t fade in time. Your voice might ring in my head, again and again, because of the faint memories the photographs would trigger.

It makes me wish that you were as real today as you were before you transited in the state of complete oblivion. I wish.

But, as of now the memories would do.

Thank God for the photos – the memories with you are not going to fade away from my mind. You are forever going to stay as my beloved ghost, frozen in time.
–..

Discovering Old Memories

There is such pleasure in organizing things. I always feel like I am clearing some clutter and organizing things in my head along with the things I am organizing around me. By the end of the entire exercise, I feel at peace and satisfied. Another beauty of organizing, finding out things that are buried somewhere – maybe in dust or maybe under some pile of books.

Yesterday, while organizing, I found a book called “Simple Ways To Manage Stress“, which was passed on to me by my dad. Looking at its green and blue cover, I was transported back to the day when I was maybe 10-12 year old:
It was a hot summer day. My summer vacations were going on. That evening, dad had handed me some A4 sheets along the book and marked couple of pages that had some pictures. I was supposed to draw and color  those pictures in the sheets that he had given me.

I remember drawing a farmer with birds over his head and a conversation bubble over his head. There were some more similar simple pictures that I don’t remember right now. All that I remember is that I was having fun drawing them and then coloring them with my precious rainbow color pen set (I still have them. In working condition 😀 ).

He later told me that they were for his presentation at office and that his audience had understood the presentation better and interacted during the session because of the pictures that I drew. I do not know how he presented it in the conference room without using a laptop and a projector (I will ask him, once I finish this post), but when he told that, I felt so proud and pleased that I could help dad out with his work. Remembering this, made me happy.

Simple pleasures and simplest of acknowledgement were all that I needed when I was a kid. Reflecting on the memory, I feel it is still the same, even when I am all grown up. I still thrive on the simplest of pleasures and simplest of acknowledgement from the people that I love and care about. This is what that still makes happy.

Relationships might not be easy. I might not have lot of experience in this area. But looking back at this memory, I realized one basic thing – Acknowledge the person and the person’s efforts for you. Respect each other. Love without any boundaries or limitations. Elementary things. Simplest of simple things. But these are the things that matters the most.To me, to you and to everyone! This is what makes us all happy.

I still do not have the answer to “What is happiness?” but now, I can feel and understand what makes me happy. Must focus on it. Like Charles Bukowsi said, I must keep finding things that I love and let it kill me.
—..

A Dream of the Boy

It was a chase. The skies were white with a hint of gray clouds on the verge of bursting into a drizzle. She looked at the skies as she ran, not at the person in her pursuit. It was a wordless silent chase. He wouldn’t hurt her physically, she knew that. But that wasn’t the kind of hurt she was scared of.  And so she ran.

She ran and ran till she stumbled on the big rocks splayed randomly. She was on a beach. She looked down in surprise and stopped just before a beam. The beam was high, so high that it seemed like a beam that supported a path that lead to the port. And there she stopped.

She stopped because he was there, caging her in the circle of his arms. He had finally caught her. She stood there immobilized, refusing to look at his face, summoning all the indifference her heart could muster.

In midst of that randomness, there was another randomness that had taken birth and demanded her attention. She looked up at the skies and there were dark black colored birds flying in symphony making spiral shapes in the skies.

He looked in the direction of her gaze. The randomness of the birds caused his grip on the beam slip a bit. The last thing she could remember feeling was the the warmth of his chest crushing her softly back to the beam as he spiraled around in surprise losing his balance.

The last thing she remembered seeing was his face as she accepted his embrace, her arms resting on his back before she closed her eyes and slipped back to reality.
–..

My Lost Friend

Pain is what makes us human.

It brings out a certain nature in us which we would otherwise try and keep under control.

Pain gives birth to such fury at times that the mind would have lost all the senses of what is and isn’t right. The acuteness of the pain brought on it due to some loss or due to any heart break is so intolerable that the mind just wants to just stop being in the moment and forget about the pain. In this pursuit, the mind stops thinking and just acts not thinking about the damage it would cause on self, or additional pain it would inflect on others. The mind just wants to be numb. It is unknowingly trying to be rational and at the same time in a complete self destruct mode.

Time heals. Time gives mind all the time it needs. And once the mind is settled and calm, only then can it see the destruction it has left behind.

It would be too much of us to expect the other person to understand our situation. It would be too much to expect because in that blind rage we would have inflicted the pain back on the person. Words hurt sharper than a sword does.

This is what we would like to call an experience. This is where we would all grow as a person. Pain brings out the worst in us only to enhance the best in us, but a price of probably damaging a relation.

Matchstick, when it burns out in the flame leaves itself unrecognized. The fire around dies down, but there will be burnt marks left behind everywhere.

Time heals a person and helps the person grow. Time probably never repairs a damaged relations.

Pain is what makes us human.

Life Goes On

Nights are always the toughest. Pain demands to be felt. After the struggle to remain composed, I will eventually have to let the pain be felt, till a point that it will cease to hurt and become numb.

As days and time goes by, it will all be ashes scattered in the wind and I will learn how to live with the void.

I will wait for the sun to rise over the horizon and pull up a facade of composure, till the void ceases to exist.

Till then I understand, life goes on.
—..

My Paradise

When I was just a girl, I would sit on the stairs and look up at the skies and wonder how big are the curtains gonna be, for it to fall down on my feet and then I will know this is the end of the play that I, we all are in. This world we are in, was nothing but a play. I had some script to say, which I had not rehearsed. Like right now, how I am talking to you.

When I was just a girl, the forced PT in scorching sun in the school playground was a life that I would not want. I would sit and dream of how I would look like and be, when I grow up. I would sit on the swing with my head throw back, looking at the world upside down and think, “That grown up world would be my paradise.”

When I was just a girl, my passion was my obsession. My obsession was my world. And my world I would enjoy, imagining myself to be in that world when I would be a grown up. “What a paradise it would be”, I would think.

What was, is my paradise now.

And so, life goes on.
—..

Coldplay’s Paradise reminded me of this.

My Little Moments

I am pretty
Oh so pretty
And witty and smart
You said I’m pretty
Oh so pretty
You found me pretty
I got your attention
Should I feel nice?

(Read:  See my face in your book.)
————-

That beautiful moment when I’m pushed to live my dreams, chase what I want, because that world is where they feel I perfectly belong. And with that they probably feel the mistake they did is rectified. With that, they feel they are living their dreams through my eyes.

————-

Teenage love. Probably nothing will be as pure as that. It now comes with baggage and conditions and a list to avoid the mistake that was made when I was a teenager. Irony.
Then again, there is a good chance that I am wrong. 🙂
I miss how simpler I was back then.
I have changed beyond recognition too.
————-

Talking about love, there are so many beautiful, intriguing humans. I am finding it difficult to imagine being bonded to one and one alone.

————-

It’s sad how we replace one from other so frequently though.
It’s sad how we think we are replaced.
————-

When home, I will raise a toast for Poda Land with a shot of gin. And some more.
For she gave me my beloved independence. For she taught me to be responsible.
For she is making me feel grown up, now that I pay my own bills.
————-

 I once used to speak in pig language to irritate some.
Oink oink.
Now I call my BIL a green angry bird pig.
I own two green angry bird ke pigs too.
Oink oink 😀
—..

High Expectations

I am already here, and yet I feel I’m nowhere.

Today, I missed an old friend who I once loved.  Now a long lost friend: Changed beyond recognition.

Bathroom thought:
Some people do great things, others just give up.

Beauty about words: You can interpret them in anyway you want in the absence of tone. There are as many possibilities as you like. Power of words, silence and choice
I like the word power.
—..