Anxiety


The wait. The horrible, horrible wait…
An unanswered call
The “ignored” texts
The uncertainties
The dreadful Mondays
The unasked questions
The ambiguous answers
The unmatched actions
Words, they are just words you say…
The forgotten callbacks
The unfollowed plans
Those unsaid words
Misheard thoughts
Life. The unberableness of life.
Forehead breaks into sweat
The untamed heartbeat
The unruly mind
Panic induced adrenaline rush!
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe
Remember to breathe.
She holds her hand
The touch. That comforting touch.
Heart bursts. Quivering lips.
“Don’t cry”, she says
Stillness and her breath
Some more deep breaths
And just like that, anxiety fades

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Listen!

“Look at me”, she screamed hoarse in her head

“Stop looking at the time! And look at me! I’m right here, with you. Next to you. Why don’t you see me?

Talk to me. Distance between us grows because our silence fills the gaps. Set down your phone. Forget your work. Talk to me!

Open up with me. Share your thoughts and ease your mind. I will never judge, for the thoughts that cross your mind. Open up with me!

Words that flowed easy as did our emotions, are now bounded by chains. We are growing with our priorities, I agree. But stop. Let’s stop pushing each other away.

I’ll simply say, hey! pay attention to me. The wouldn’t be much left after we are done.

Let’s not lose you and me.”

It Is What It Is

Did I get too comfortable?
Or was it my vanity?
When everything was at my finger tips
I walked away
Leaving everything behind
Should I blame it on the youth?
Or do I call it a wondrous risk?
Embarked on a journey born from an infatuation
To see it crumble at my feet
Most often I look back
And wonder what could have been
The places I would have traveled
The heights I would achieved
Only if I would have waited, a little while longer…
But I wonder
If universe turned back time
And granted me this wish
Would I have done anything different than this?

I’m in Trouble

Every time his voice softens
It sounds like tinkling bells
Driving the butterflies to flutter
Leaving me breathless
And I know I’m in trouble

Every time I hear his drowsy voice
When I call at the wrong time
Melts the icicles around my heart
Leaving me wanting to hug him tight
And I know I’m in trouble

Every time I see his wall down
When I let him in my circle
Tickles the corner of my lips
Leaving me smiling all by myself at odd times
And I know I’m in trouble

Every time I see him run his fingers through his hair
Or catch him looking at my lips
Makes my heart flip with hope
Even when I know he’ll break my heart
And I know I’m in trouble

Every time I see his smile playing on his lips
When I act like a kid
Happiness bubbles in my throat
Leaving me lost in my daydreams
And I know I’m in trouble

I am in big, big trouble.

–..

The Monster Under Her Bed

A friend turned foe once the clock struck twelve,
The one that once gave comfort, now set the heart thumping till it swell.
Until the break of dawn colored the skies,
The eyes refuse to rest in a dreamless abyss.

The moving shadows in the darkness of the night,
Leaves her tossing and turning in a sorry plight.
Eyes open, staring in dark void she feels,
Something sits heavy on her chest…
Its the monster that sleeps under her bed.

It was an endless fight destined to end at the crack of dawn,
The lights were installed by the knight to protect her from harm.
Helplessly she swung her sword at the monster in thin air,
The monster stood behind her grinning from ear to ear.

The knight stepped in to save her from a fatal blow,
And before she knew it there was a morning glow…
She moved in her sleep in her mama’s safe arms,
The monster growled sinisterly who was now caged underground.

Clipped Wing’s Flight

Before I fall in a deep permanent slumber,
Open your eyes wide to the wonders of imagination,
And see what I speak of, to you
With my hand resting over my pounding heart…

What if…
What if I were to turn into a speck of dust,
To tame the ever evolving beast that grows in me?
What if I were meant to merge with millions of other drops,
To douse an insatiable fire burning in the pit of my core?
What if…

What if…
What if I were to disappear in thin air without a whisper,
To preserve the fragments of whatever left goodness as is in me?
What if I slip into an oblivion,
Would I be robbed of my immortality?
What if…

What if…
What if my wings were clipped and I were to taste my first flight,
A little “unprepared” tip off the highest tower,
Tasting the wind with a satisfied smile as I rushed to kiss gravity,
Tell me, would it have strengthened my hold on immortality at all?

What if I ceased to exist after bidding a silent goodbye,
Would you let me go as you let go of the light captured in a jar?
Tell me, would I have made any difference to you at all?

My Paradox

I am out of control, but still in control.
The poison gives my tongue all the liberty, but the teeth still holds it back.
I do what I love, but I am still not satisfied.

 This poem by Harivansh Rai Bacchan, makes some sense when I think of giving in to a risk which is now all easy and almost close to being monotone:

Vruksh ho bade bhale,                                                There may be huge trees around
Ho ghane ho bhale,                                                     Thick and providing shade
Ek Patra chhah bhi mang mat,                                     Dont ask for shade
Mang mat, mang mat,                                                 Walk on the path of fire
Agnipath, Agnipath Agnipath;

Tu na thamega kabhi                                                  You wont stop, ever
Tu na mudega kabhi                                                   You won’t look back, ever
Tu na rukega kabhi,                                                    You won’t halt, ever
Kar shapath, Kar shapath, Kar shapath,                        Take this oath
Agnipath, Agnipath, Agnipath.                                    Walk on the path of fire

Ye Mahan Drushya hain,                                             It is a great Scene:
Chal raha Manushya hain,                                           The man is walking
Ashru, Sweth, Rakta se Latpat Latpat Latpat..            Tears, Sweat, soaked in blood
Agnipath, Agnipath, Agnipath.                                     Walk on the path of fire

—..

My Little Moments

I am pretty
Oh so pretty
And witty and smart
You said I’m pretty
Oh so pretty
You found me pretty
I got your attention
Should I feel nice?

(Read:  See my face in your book.)
————-

That beautiful moment when I’m pushed to live my dreams, chase what I want, because that world is where they feel I perfectly belong. And with that they probably feel the mistake they did is rectified. With that, they feel they are living their dreams through my eyes.

————-

Teenage love. Probably nothing will be as pure as that. It now comes with baggage and conditions and a list to avoid the mistake that was made when I was a teenager. Irony.
Then again, there is a good chance that I am wrong. 🙂
I miss how simpler I was back then.
I have changed beyond recognition too.
————-

Talking about love, there are so many beautiful, intriguing humans. I am finding it difficult to imagine being bonded to one and one alone.

————-

It’s sad how we replace one from other so frequently though.
It’s sad how we think we are replaced.
————-

When home, I will raise a toast for Poda Land with a shot of gin. And some more.
For she gave me my beloved independence. For she taught me to be responsible.
For she is making me feel grown up, now that I pay my own bills.
————-

 I once used to speak in pig language to irritate some.
Oink oink.
Now I call my BIL a green angry bird pig.
I own two green angry bird ke pigs too.
Oink oink 😀
—..

Imraan’s Shayari

Javed Akthar’s Shayari from the movie Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara: BEAUTIFUL. The only thing till now, with simple but powerful words, simply recited moved me like anything. Just thought about them suddenly.

Sher 1:

Ik baat honton tak hai jo aayi nahin
Bas ankhon say hai jhaankti
Tumse kabhi, mujhse kabhi
Kuch lafz hain woh maangti
Jinko pehanke honton tak aa jaaye woh
…Aawaaz ki baahon mein baahein daalke ithlaye woh
Lekin jo yeh ik baat hai
Ahsas hi ahsas hai
 
Khushboo si hai jaise hawa mein tairti
Khushboo jo be-aawaaz hai
Jiska pata tumko bhi hai
Jiski khabar mujhko bhi hai
Duniya se bhi chupta nahin
Yeh jaane kaisa raaz hai

Sher 2:

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya
Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
 
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
…Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai
Duniya mein yunhi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain
Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai
Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Sher 3:

Pighlay neelam sa behta hua yeh samaan
Neeli neeli si khamoshiyaan
Na kahin hai zameen
Na kahin aasmaan
Sarsaraati huyi tehniyaan, pattiyaan
Keh rahi hain ki bas ek tum ho yahaan
Sirf main hoon meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein
Aisi gehraiyaan
Aisi tanhaiyaan
Aur main sirf main
Apne honay pe mujhko yaqeen aa gaya (Beautifully ended! Loved this line)

Sher 4:
(My fav of all)

Dilon mein tum apni
Betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum
Nazar mein khwabon ki
Bijliyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum
Hawa ke jhokon ke jaise
Aazad rehno sikho
Tum ek dariya ke jaise
Lehron mein behna sikho
Har ek lamhe se tum milo
Khole apni bhaayein
Har ek pal ek naya samha
Dekhen yeh nigahaein
Jo apni aankhon mein
Hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum
Dilon mein tum apni
Betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum 


Still gives me goosebumps!
—..