Ordinary. That’s how he made me feel : just like everyone else.
Stirring a powerful rage in me which was mistook as “puppy love” by everyone else. I would say, that didn’t bother me. Yet.
What bothered the bruised self ego is its own pride for being forced to swallow the apparent hard truth which is applicable to everybody as per the human psychology: The truth behind every action. The hidden motives which I refused to accept. Especially the motives on social forums, motives to feed my necessary narcissism/self pride, whatever you may wish to call it. But this was not it. Though my points were blatantly made void, this wasn’t what had ruffled my just calmed feathers.
No, he doesn’t know how much he has affected me.
He made me question my pursuit of truth – If my love for truth is pure or is it really just a lustful chase to feel and enjoy the idea of not being regular. He blatantly voided my stubborn argument that some of my public actions had no motives which humans normally thrive on. My reluctance to accept the motives as everyone else over his equally stubborn arguments, made me doubt myself. I asked myself, “Why am I denying this so violently? Why am I explaining myself this explicitly? Why am I taking up challenges to void my past actions? Why?” I wonder in this self doubt, was this an argument with my subconscious? Am I lying to myself, pushing myself in denial till it ceases to be the truth? Being a double standard? Because if there were truth in all my statements, would I feel the need to go out of my way and explain myself?
Am I not paying attention enough? Not observing enough?
This hurts my pride. This makes me angry.
I lie, yes, whenever necessary. I am not a saint. But his arguments made me question if I’m lying to myself. If yes, it would be a catastrophe. And that’s how accepting his arguments made me feel ordinary. Like being some person with just a face.
This shakes my loyalty towards obsession of the truth. A moment of self doubt.
Let me take a deep breath. Let me sooth this wounded beast first.
If he was right about my motives behind particular actions in argument, I have no interest to question his motives right now. But my interest is on as to why did he consciously provoke something in me which he felt I was ignoring urging me to address it?
How much denial have I buried?
I love truth. I accept to embrace it. And I must start so by putting an end to lying to self or denials as it is called. I will stand up to my truth and not doubt it. Doubting my truth is doubting myself. Any fingers raised at it next time, will be slapped back with raw truth. Truth is never to be doubted.
He provoked all this.
He did it, yet again.
This time, keeping my pride aside, I almost welcomed it.