That Sweet Lullaby

The mother held her baby in her arms as she rocked her gently. She sang that sweet lullaby in her soothing, gentle voice. Her dream of wanting to be a singer was fulfilled. She had an eager audience. Her daughter calmed down. Her breathing became regular. Her eyes heavy, until it was unbearable to keep them open anymore. She was finally asleep. But the mother continued to sing. Repeating the verses, enjoying the lyrics as she imagined dedicating each words to her daughter. Singing her emotions to her. Till the song slowly faded on her lips. Her eyes rested with the trailing verses. 

The day came to an end. Another battle won. All that mattered was her baby daughter in her arms.

Her Time Turner

She sat up staright, took his hand in hers and grasped them tight. She looked straight in his eyes and asked him with a hopeful tone, “Will you take me back? Will you remind me who I was? Will you help me find the pieces of myself? Will you help me remember? Everything we did and how we laughed…”

Her voice trailed away, wondering if he could understand the urgency in her voice. The unbearable loss of control over her memories. The slow decay of her essence. The first signs of Alzheimer’s beginning to show.

He pulled her close, and wrapped his arms around her tightly. And he began, “Remember that day we went to the beach, and you insisted on…”

“He can fix anything”, she thought with a smile as she closed her eyes and listened to her stories with him. His voice bringing out the faint memories. “Maybe, he can bring me back too.” 

He was her relaxant to her anxiety.

He helped her breathe.

That One Hug

They stood on the porch at four hours past midnight, as their paths awaited to be diverged again. Their adventure had come to an end. With time, the familiarity that the distance had deprived them of, was discovered in an unknown land. With time, the comfort of being themselves with each other had fallen in comfortably like that one missing puzzle of a jigsaw.

When it was time to say their goodbyes, he held his hand forward while she glared at his formality. She opened her arms timidly and he took a step forward and gave her a hug. This was not a drunken state of mind hug. This was a conscious hug. And his hug conveyed everything that maybe his words couldn’t for the last three years of knowing each other over long distance.

That one hug, opened up a box of suppressed emotions in her. But she hid her face in the dark as she saw him sit in the car and head towards the airport. She walked away towards the elevator before he could see her again from his car.

But that one hug…

The pretense icicles in her heart had melted. There was acceptance of deep attachment to another human being. She was overwhelmed and surprised with the enormity of the feelings she had for him.

She held back the dry tears that threatened to break from her eyes. She thought maybe sleep will make it easy to bear. Maybe sleep will make the ‘momentary’ feeling wash away, she thought. She went and slept on his freshly made bed.

The morning after dark was cloudy with light drizzles. The enormity of being able to feel so deeply had still successfully caught on with her as she boarded her cab towards the airport. She confided in her friend, who sat next to her with her arms on her shoulder, as she began to understand that she was simply missing him. She had gotten used to the unasked assurance from him. The unasked fulfilled promise of being by her side, no matter how, when she needed him the most. She had gotten used to his presence around her during their adventure together. As her friend held her, she let go of her pride and felt hot tears flow freely from her eyes.

It was finally the acceptance of a beautiful bond that they shared – friendship. It was a pure, unadulterated, unselfish, maybe a little selfish, friendship. It was the acceptance of letting go of her controlled boundaries and acknowledge the special place he held in her life. It was this acceptance that made her determine to make an attempt to show her emotions like he did with her all the time.

To be honest, she had taken a while to realize the emotions of his hug. Once the feeling of his arms around her shoulders was gone, only thing that remained was the warmth that he had left behind. Maybe this was their last goodbye after all.

My Wheels in Motion

The birth of an idea – the reason behind a beginning and the reason behind an end. How it formulated and how it is encouraged to take a form, no one knows. At least I don’t.

But, I guess an idea starts because of some random trigger when we are on an aimless path. Upon its birth, it is beautifully crafted and cradled in the depths of our mind, till it gets promoted to a dream.

Dreams. Beautiful, beautiful dreams, which then gives birth to an ambition. Ambition, which makes us believe that we are born to do something great, that greatness itself awaits us, and that we are born to be great and make an impact on the humanity. This is what dreams are capable of.

Ambition then gives birth to a want. A want to succeed. A want to make it big. A want of power. A want to climb. Ambition gives us a direction to our aimless path. It makes the cogs of motion move in our minds again and thus formulates a plan. A game plan.

A plan to mold our direction and give it a goal. A plan to fulfill the wants, to fulfill a wish. A wish that might be mine, might be yours, might be someone who we used to love that is no more. The game plan gives a sense of purpose. A sense of motivation. A sense of confidence. The mind starts a raging battle with the doubting self arguing:

I can do it.

I will do it.

I will fight for it.

This is created out of a purpose. Purpose in our lives. Purpose of our existence.

The path is still not clear. The path is still aimless, but lesser than before.

I can see 10 steps ahead of me. I have decided, I will work on those 10 steps. Then maybe, when I am on my 8th step, I will be able to see the next 10 steps and work on it.

Thus, hope takes birth along with determination. Hope that there is something great waiting for us and the determination to make it till the end.

I do not know what gets beyond this. I think we will get to know it once there is action to all this.

This are my wheels of action in motion.

My Lessons From Today

Never be afraid to ask. Only when I ask is when I get all the answers and with the answers I learn something new. Leave no room for assumptions.

To ask questions, I learned to leave my ego behind, to not be afraid to show that I do not know something and finally to accept that I am at times ignorant and need help to understand. Only when I accepted all those things, I got more knowledge. I became a bit wiser than before.

This is what I must do:

  1. Ask when I do not know. 
  2. Let my ego behind, accept and not be afraid to ask. 
  3. Listen to them speak. 
  4. Learn and grow. 

I keep wondering, how many deaths in my family and in my friend’s family should I see before I finally understand that life is not permanent. Only death is.

Maybe, I already have understood it, else this reasoning or this understanding wouldn’t be there. I must value time more than I do already. My time. My time with my loved ones. The time that my loved ones share with me.

I must remember: Only and only death is permanent. Nothing else.

Maybe, my dear reader, you will listen and learn from my mistakes as well. Teach me as well, it will help me when I am lost.

Let us learn and grow together. 🙂
—..

When I felt the Baby kick

I couldn’t help wondering, what would be the baby thinking, when it kept pushing inside my sister’s tummy against my hand and then move around till it felt comfortable? If it can hear me, does it have the capacity to think, I wonder.

If it thinks, does it believe that there is a world beyond the womb? I wonder, what does it make of our voice if it believes the womb is its world. And when it would be its time to see us, would it be reluctant to leave the warm comfort of the womb imagining the worst of the “other” world.. I wonder.

And then in that chain, I couldn’t help thinking, if we are entirely inside another universe, growing and maturing till it is our time to get to the other side? Maybe.

I began respecting God. I had indifference to the concept, but I valued my religion. All this because a  benefit of doubt began to take birth and I wondered: What if God is nothing but a gentle soothing voice with His hand fondly caressing its tummy, the tummy being our world in which we reside. But we are in such deep slumber inside our world that probably we are unable to hear Him speak to us.

Maybe, He can feel us shift inside as we move around in discomfort or excitement of our own chaos. Maybe, He can feel us kick when we throw ourselves out of frustration to some unknown void or when we dance in the ultimate trance of euphoria. Maybe.

Maybe, He is as eager like us; like we are to see the baby take its birth in this wonderful world.

The possibilities are so grand that I do not know if what is real, is actually real at all.
—..