The Bitter Bile

Anger: it corrupts the mind. The mind stops thinking. A darkness grows, slowly spreading in the small confines of the heart. It will hear nothing. It will feel nothing but spite and hatred. These feelings dominate and take over everything, leaving no room to even reach out and try to kill them.

The anger just rises. Getting bitter by the day. No explanation. Just raw bitter bile.

The intimacy of the relationship doesn’t matter. The bitterness was harbouring and festing in the body for so long, that the soul refused to acknowledge anything else. There is no stopping. It grows, the bitterness, till the mind loses sense of anything good. The body will find itself standing, filled with black bitter bile. Unforgiving. Not thinking. Not anymore.

Until one day, the mind cracks. The bile spills out. The soul will rationalize the outburst by saying it needs to cleanse, express and emote. The tongue will wag. Fingers will point. There will be explosion. Maybe minor enough to cause a small burn. Or big enough to kill.

Then comes the calm after the storm.

The whole being, shaking, will question the root of the cause. It will question is it worth going that far in the past. Maybe it matters. Maybe it will heal. Maybe it doesn’t matter. May it will do nothing at all.

Until one day, the right question will be asked, “How do I stop the rise of this bile. How do I put an end to this all?”

And finally plead, “Just make it stop. Please.”


On Being an Iron Woman

There never ever can be any moment of weakness. There can never be any second of doubt. There just cannot be any room to be a human with those sense of insecurities. Just can’t.

At least not in front of your close ones, even the ones who unconditionally love you and seem to know you. Especially when you are their pillar to lean on.

There is room for all this in private, in a closed room of your mind where no one can touch you.

Till then, buck up and stand tall.

My Time With Bose

I, like everyone else in the world, had a bucket list created, maybe, when I was 18. I listed out my wishes, pouring out everything that I desired,  and then forgot about it.

Then, one day tired of all the disappointments and the sense of my world going out of control, I stepped inside a Bose showroom. I had to get the control back. I had to make something work. I had to get at least one thing that I had been pining for. So, I walked in. I stood by those beauty and made my choice. I didn’t look at the price tag and I just bought it. Couple of days later, I came by my old post where I had made my bucket list. Owning Bose was one of my wishes.

Maybe it didn’t happen the way I had dreamed it to be. Maybe, it happened when I was not in the best of my state. But it did happen. I guess, it stuck in my subconscious. Maybe this was running at the back of my head, “If I can’t get him, I can take control and get this.”

So my Bose was adapting to my personality. It got it’s own skin. It got recognized. It got admired. It got everything that I had. I was a proud owner. It became an extension of my being. A place where I could lose myself.

Then one day, it was taken away from me.

This was a second heart break. But it still didn’t seem to affect me.

I looked for replacement. Love never dies. It just gets transferred to another being/thing.

Couple of months later, I got the same Bose. I couldn’t help myself. It was like getting back to my ex, but at the same time a shiny new one. It was such a relief. The sense of being back in the comfort zone. The feeling of being happy –  I didn’t want to miss that anymore. I didn’t want to compromise anymore.

So I owned it again.

It was like a second chance. I started being cautious. I started caring about it more. I didn’t take it for granted. I didn’t want it to be stolen from me again. I got to relive it again. All the good stuff. All the addictive good stuff.

That made me wonder, do we really realize the worth of things around us only when we lose it?

When is that we stop appreciating things?

And if we get the lost thing back again, after some period of time, would we actually change or go back being the same us we always were?

I guess, I will know it in time. The moment I will stop being conscious about it.

My Body, My Mind and My Soul

My body, my mind and my soul are my concern. Not yours.

My body was and is a gift to my soul when I was born. I have no control over it. I struggle too. I struggle hiding my insecurities. I struggle accepting my body as is. I struggle to be comfortable in my skin. The strain that bubbles inside, you won’t see an iota of it. The wild acceptance of self that keeps struggling inside, you won’t feel the pain of it.

You and I are the same. Living with our own insecurities.

So think before you point. There is a thin line between being playful to outright hammering the shit out of a person’s strength. Be gentle.

My body is my concern. Not yours. Focus on your body. Look at yourself, like I look at myself. Look at yourself in the mirror. Understand the language your eyes speak. Work on acceptance and try not to make fun when you find someone trying.

Do you think people are not aware of their shortcomings until you point it out? Rather tell me this, do you need to point? Weren’t we taught as kids that it’s rude to point?

Be gentle.

My mind is sacred to me. My mind holds the most precious thing to me – my experience, my knowledge and my hard earned wisdom. It holds my ideas, my theories and my belief.

It weaves stories that I would crave to be alive in reality. It holds the core of my sanity. My mind deals with my breakdowns. My mind consoles me and speaks to me in a silent voice, pushing me where I’m cowering with fear. It makes resolves for me when I find my principles shaking. It builds my foundation. My mind builds me. My mind guides me. My mind holds hand with my heart and learns to walk – tenderly and timidly. My mind helps my heart bray out the strength that it is bubbling within.

My mind. My mind is my concern. Not yours. Do not try to re-orient me. Do not belittle it because your views are different. Do not disregard it because you don’t understand it. Be gentle.

Listen to the voice in your head. Pay attention to how far your mind has taken you, held your sanity together. Would you like anyone shatter it with a few words?

Don’t you and would you not continue holding yourself together? Mind and heart?

Be gentle.

My soul. My soul is what makes me. My soul is exquisite. So exquisite that I am constantly drawn towards it, trying to figure out what exactly she is. She makes me. She puts life in my beating heart. She is the reason I think. She is the reason I continue breathing. She makes me. Without her, I am nothing. My soul.

My being. My core. My essence. My soul.

Touch it right and I’m yours.

I don’t need to tell you how crucial she is to each of us. My soul is my concern. Not yours.

My soul is not for sale. My soul is not open to indulge you or your whims. My soul demands respect. Doesn’t yours too?

Be gentle.

You and I are very different. But our cores are the same.

We have one body, mind and soul. It’s your own concern. Not anybody else’s.

Walk over no one and let no one walk over you.

Be gentle.


End of a Deception

Sometimes it is embarrassing to watch people being cheap imitations of someone else. Making someone else’s ideas as their own ideas. Making someone else’s words as their own words. Making someone else’s style as their own style.

All this, most of the time, raises from a desperation to become something else that they are not. Rather something they do not want to accept within themselves – their own essence that makes them, them. All this is done, so that they, we, you and me, are accepted by the society. Or to be precise, to be accepted by a certain few individuals that we are aimlessly pursuing to impress.

Is there really anything that is unique and original? Are we all really an imitation of everyone else? Adopting, consciously or unconsciously, traits  of multiple personalities that make us what we are now?

Until yesterday, I was drowned in the ruthless sea of self criticism of my own nature. Asking myself – Why couldn’t I be more like that person? That person who had once succeeded in capturing the attention of a person I wished to attract.

And then, suddenly it hit me, and I couldn’t stop thinking, if was it something to do with self esteem?

I still do not know.

All that I know is, in a certain unguarded moment, even to myself, I found out what “my style”, “my ideas” and “my words” were. I had downplayed my own  self esteem. Once, I set aside the silly pursuit to be someone else in order to be loved back, I saw and accepted my nature as is. And I couldn’t stop saying this to myself, “This is you. You are pretty awesome the way you are.”

I am all that I seem to be when I have a mind of my own, maybe when guarded with a high un-penetrable barrier or maybe when unguarded with all my walls down.

I am all that I seem to be when I do not seem to care who thought what when I spoke my mind out.

I am all that I seem to be when I listen to both my head and heart and do what I must do at that given moment of time.

I am all that and much more, and I have accepted it.

It all comes with a price. But at least, in the end, I do not feel like a sham.

Reality continues to ruin my life

It was always about the boy. On how considerate he is. Or how polite he really is. Or how adorably cute he is. Or how passionate he is. Or the beauty of his strength and all the crazy quirky stuff he does now and then.

It was nice to see these superficial character.

Then with time, I got to know the boy. He is still all that, no doubt. But something about the reality changed the whole dynamics.

Maybe I got plain bored. Or getting to know him resulted in me pulling my guard up at the same time letting my inhibitions go down.

Whatever it was, reality continued to ruin my life and left me devoid of the feelings I had started to experience which I thought I had long back left it behind me.

Well, life is… 🙂

Looking at the Blue Skies

In the darkest of our storms do we find enormous strength in our mind that we never would have believed. It is in this deep abyss that we see a shimmering ray of hope that gives every cells in our body the strength to keep going. It definitely is twisted as it seems, but these irregularities is what makes us mature.

It forces us to break the limits that our mind has set without actually consulting us. It forces us to understand that there actually is no limits and that limit is nothing but a invisible glass enclosure around us. Maybe it is time to step out of it and see what really you can do!

Maybe, it is a risk but at the same time its an adventure you always wanted to have. Break the limits!

There will be insecurities and some big moments of self doubt. There will be trust issues. There will be some hesitation to take the first step. There will be some major back and forth prancing of the mind over your decisions wondering, “Did I do the right thing?”

But to come out of the storm there has to be a beginning somewhere, right?

Maybe I’m encouraging you or maybe I’m motivating myself. But the truth is, however bleak the future may seem, there always is a stubborn streak of hope tugging in our hearts, hoping that the sun will rise with a fresh day after the night.

Look up the blue skies when you feel lost in your storm. Maybe the bright blue color will make you feel light until you find the next path!

On Pain and Love

Apparently, pain demands to be felt. But then what about love? Love, something that which we pursue so desperately. To love and be loved. To bask in the admiration of one person we truly wish to be with. Drunk, so passionately on this idea that love and only love can mend everything that has been broken and left broken inside of us. Drunk, so hopelessly on this belief that, that one love will make it all right and that we will be whole again.

Pain, I agree demands to be felt. It is felt. Felt so deeply that at times I do not know what to do with that feeling. Maybe this pain is out of missing someone who has now slipped onto the other side. Maybe the reason behind this pain is the insecurity and jealousy that has creeped into my mind because of my obsessive assumptions nearing to unhealthy paranoia. Maybe the reason behind the pain is the acceptance that the one thing I wanted was never meant to be mine in the first place. Maybe. There are many generic reasons. And once the pain is allowed to be felt, we will always look for love to fill the void.

Might there not be a reason that love is not getting the proper recognition that it deserves? Pain demands to be felt, but does it need to be so morbidly dramatized? I don’t know. Maybe this all is a reasoning. Maybe this is me consoling myself asking me to stop letting the pain of the void be felt for such a long time. Still, I cannot stop wondering if it really is all about love than pain. If it’s secretly all about the want to be loved and cared for rather than swim in the attractive melancholy of pain bringing out the genius/poet inside of us. Really, in the end, when we are stripped off of everything what do we really want? And the answer ringing in my head is – love.

Love is what would bring peace in our minds and hearts. Love is what that would at times make us wonder if we are happy or sad.

Maybe this might be it. Or maybe not.

Maybe this is all as void and still like vacuum. Maybe.

Maybe it is all a game of time. Demanding to feel one thing after another. One more than another. Demanding to feel all at once sometimes. Maybe.

Right now there are feelings that are exploding like cherry bombs in my chest that I do not know what to do with these feelings at all. Probably dig and indulge in all the old memories.

Such a hot plate of mess.

My Incoherent Ambiguity

I have been thinking about this, and before my memory has the best of me let me ask you this: Does everyone need to be saved?

Do we need to be saved?

And from what? Even during the distressing times of imbalance, what is that unknown impending doom that we feel that makes me ask again and again, do we need to be saved?

If yes, how?

Probably people ask for it all the time when in despair and we are busy being occupied with nothing to hear their pleas. It is probably always dismissed by us thinking, “time will heal all wounds” and for all you know, that will probably leave the person unrecognizable.

Probably if we listened more, there might be some hope. That behavior makes me ask, do we actually want to save them people?

And finally, can we actually be saved?

My Cold Decisions

The mind does see things clearly when it is not agitated anymore. But this agitation is very necessary. This agitation builds power and tolerance. It enhances everything and most importantly it teaches.

I learned that I can choose to turn my back and walk away anytime from my company mid way, whenever I find it going nowhere. This is not saying, “I accept defeat.” This is simply about me, being calculative and deciding where I chose to put my energy. This gives me back my power to choose and my freedom from the useless obligations.

Walking away from the person who I’m helplessly vulnerable with will be tough. It always will be. Even with all the destruction I see lying in front of me, I would still want to put the unnecessary energy. It is a vicious cycle and it will go on till I move on. Its crazy how some things works and throws balls of contradictions hard at me. Exceptions would be there, however hard I try to balance out everything. This needs working on.

But till then, with others, I choose to walk away when need be.