A Fling with the Past

Sometimes, probably, it is fun to spoil something very perfect. It seems almost perfect and absolutely right to spoil it. If it is too perfect, the adventure is dead. If it is too perfect, it is very comfortable.

No one likes to be thrown out of a something that is constant. It shakes their whole being of existence at that moment. It is like throwing someone out of their home. Probably. It is painful. But if it is perfect, there is no room for infinite.

There is nothing as perfect. There is something as almost perfect. When it is almost perfect, there is this pull to keep on chasing perfection. I am repeating.

Did I make sense?

This logic is mixed with emotion. This logic is a consolation.
Thus, the improper links.


The Elusive One

In the circle of light atmosphere, with his deadpan face he questioned her, “How do I know this is it?” Hoping with her experience, she would have all the answers. A question which everyone asks.

Probably I finally grew up enough to start listening to what I want. Questioning what do I want. What do all want? What do all chase?

The Elusive One?

How do I know this is it? When will I’ll stop getting bored and jump from one stone to another looking for another shiny rock with some difference which make it shine for that little while before  I move on to something else? What is that will keep my feet steady in one place? How will I know if this is it, I’ve found him, or I’ve found what I love to do?

“Wait with all the patience you can bear and see, time will tell you everything.” is what they say.  Then pause and add, “You’ll simply know” for the dramatic effect. Cliched, obviously.

I had a simpler answer ring in my head today:
When I will find it very very hard to let go, then that will be it.

Where I’m no more Biased

My lesson: I wouldn’t know what is what until I give it at least one chance.
Reasoning: That happens when I’m no more biased.
Reality: Or sometimes that happens when I want to be “miserable”. That is, I am no more biased because I want to give it a chance.

A Suicidal Failure

The sharp blade grazed her wrist leaving a thin red line. There were no thoughts, but just a heavy feeling of failure. The burden was so heavy that her heart just sunk into low beats. Thick drops of tears fell on her lap. Her head bent on the table, suddenly a thought flicked in her head, “One less of a burden.”

The pressure increased a bit. This time a thin line of blood trickled down. Her vision blurred by her tears, while the blade continued to graze her wrist with the newly added pressure like a loop. Another thought, “They are not going to be proud of you. Ever.” And the blade suddenly made an almost deep cut. A jolt of reality, and the blade slipped out of her fingers and fell on the ground. “I’m such a coward”, she thought.

She glanced at her wrist. Pattern of thin, red slashes. She picked up the blade again, but the moment was gone.
What was done, was done. Now, what next? Probably those pair of thick bangles given by her friend will hide it? And it worked well. So she thought.

The friend was not fooled. She noticed it, and she was questioned. And questioned with a mad rage, to which she replied, “I had just given up. A coward doesn’t live.”

To which she spat, “Coward? You would have been one if you would have cut deep. Coward you say?

It’s all just a reason for not facing the situation and taking the full responsibility. What were you thinking? What, your score didn’t stand up to your standards? I know, this was not the reason, taste my sarcasm honey, keep up. Is your life so insignificant that you are so dramatically signifying your problem with those slashes? How stupid can you get?

Yes, I am embarrassing you. You ought to be embarrassed!”

The rest of the walk was in silence. Her message was loud and clear: Stand up and fight back. Get out of the monotone of the depressed voice in head and think out of the box.

Cliched you will say.

Years passed by. And she was surprised how all these failures, heart breaks, pain, hurt, et cetra had actually made her strong. Bit pretended devoid of emotions, but strong. ‘The End’ was never again the solution to a concluded dead end. The spine was strong.

And today she smiles. Hums a tune while doing the dishes (which she absolutely hates) Gives small tinkles of laughter when by herself for no reason. Every morning is beautiful than ever. Heart as light as a feather. This, she says is because she is happy and free.

Happy of that suicidal failure.

Those Personal Questions

Assumptions are the bases for theories.
These same assumptions are now irritating me to the extent of driving me crazy. And these assumptions come in thousand different forms.
Once bitten, with the poison.
Drama, drama, drama. 😀

Bake a cake: tick

One breezy evening when I was waking out of Mantri with a friend, while talking I realized that we almost always end up doing whatever we wish to do or want to do. Most of the times they are those small things which matter the most. We wish for it, wait for it and forget about it. If you note it down and read it few years later, you’ll notice that you have done at least 70 percent of it. And that is a great feeling.
Most of the times we just forget the significance of small things.

And today, I finally did one of the things in my to do list. I made this cake “Kakaolu Kek”. I had to settle making a cake without brandy (the ones I wanted to make required that 😀 ) because apparently Papa thinks I can buy it myself few months later.

Yea right.

Anyways, my first attempt. My chocolate cake 🙂
And cute star shaped cup cakes 😀

Mistake 1: Added sugar in crystal form. Yea. Dumb me.
Mistake 2: Made disgusted noise when I touched raw egg for some time, was awarded with a nice glare from mom followed by a small KaBOOOOM 😀
Lesson learnt : “Give thy thoughts no tongue” At least to specific ones when in company 😀
Shakespeare you were wise.

Almost Perfect

Every idea, moment or whatever important, seems almost perfect until the moment you are almost reaching it thinking, “yes, this is it.”  There is this brief moment when you do look both ways,
1. either to run back to something which is there: normal, comfort or
2. To run forward.

I do not understand emotions, but something about it makes us run for it, because it means that much, only to realize after a while that, this is not it and then watch it crumble down. The realization might hit in many different ways: failure, greed, discomfort, anything. And that realization does leave one lost for a while, wandering on some unknown line. The picture becomes hazy again, and there is some want which cannot be pin pointed at that moment. It is like knowing it is there, waiting, but unable understand what the “it” is. The force of “it” makes us run in some direction, push ourselves into something and that something we name it as passion. Probably it is a reason for distraction, but hey it is something. And it is working.

You know why it didn’t hurt when it crumbled? It didn’t because,
1. It really didn’t mean that much to you as you thought it did. You didn’t know yourself.
2. Or probably you did, and it did mean something, just that you started doubting it, started reasoning with yourself with and without emotions and decided that it doesn’t fit. Just doesn’t. Probably greed, probably disappointment, I don’t know. Probably, just stopped looking that way, because everything new grabbed your attention. Probably. Random theory in air.

And why this, its because I’m beginning to believe that there is nothing as “almost” perfect either. It either disappoints me or just doesn’t fit the picture. Something like, I’m never satisfied. I cannot say doubt doesn’t contribute to all this, it does. Because that’s where the reasoning starts. Saying there should be no effort makes it even more lifeless. I cannot sit in the car and wait for it to move. Can I?

To say I’m almost getting there, there should be this wild strong emotion in me. Like, if for a person I love, I should feel it, not wait to feel it. The moment I see the person, or hear him, emotions will be like water gushing in with force, no stopping. And that I didn’t honestly feel it for anyone other than family and my bestie of course. I could describe this because I felt it when I saw my nephew after a long time. It made me feel alive. So, if it is some person I’ll talk about, that is what that person will make me feel. Alive more than anything. And those conversations :))

And this is my reasoning for not reaching it, or letting it crumble and honestly not doing anything about it and then wandering on some unknown line to find the next “it”. Because, being me, it will hold for anything and  everything. Emotions do exist. Hell yea! very much. Just that it is either in extremes or nothing, like a switch.

So, if there is something as “almost” perfect, it should be strong enough for me to catch my breath. Till then, I don’t mind being cold. 🙂

Surprisingly this and more was emancipating! Imagining talking to some void. 🙂