The Grass will Always be Green

Harry Potter did it. Watching the second part of the movie series triggered all the forgotten emotions. It was like time travel, watching the enchanted car flying:  I was 12 and there was nothing but pure obsession for all different passions. From art to fantasy to life.

A great time spent was not with my phone, but with the books. Lying down on my stomach and getting lost in another world with magical beings where everyone had a story to tell. Slowly falling asleep with the book over me, dreaming of the world that I painted along with the books I read. I would close my eyes and that would be my own world – a step away from reality. What was real?

It was a world devoid of panic attacks. Where the society didn’t matter. Attempts to fit in and socialize wasn’t a necessity. It was easy to be straight forward because human relations were that simple. There was innocence – no adultery, no disappointments, no fatal attractions, no expectations, no time bounds or commitments which would make your head spin so bad that you would wait for the time to just pass and feel better eventually. There was nothing but ambition, motivation, passion and dreams. Beautiful dreams to make it big and make an impact which will make people sit back and see the wonder that makes you.

It was simple. There were words in my mind that would flow so easily without the fear of being caught off guard. There was no necessity to make an conscious attempt to hide the raw, blunt emotions. There was no necessity to sound different. There were words and they were beautiful to play around with, spinning tales and sharing thoughts and ideas.

Now, there is great independence which is running its course of excitement. No more intellectual conversation which I would so shamelessly indulge on, but insignificant nothings and awkward silences. There is a hunt for self discovery, understanding all the good and the dark nature of self. In that pursuit of self discovery and irrelevant obsessions the most significant element is lost – myself. Things that defined me. Things that would emancipate me. They are all lost somewhere. What I used to do, what I used to be; are nothing but a thing to be admired by people, who would rather know that she but the now me. The now me is like everyone else, hiding behind the multiple masks due to lack of trust, need to be accepted and feel a sense of belonging when away from home, to feel at home.

This pursuit of self discovery has left me a stranger to myself. I would now rather back off and stay quiet instead of letting a person know how I really feel. I would now rather be stepped on and be the insignificant one in the relation just to feel accepted. I would now rather say yes to a person and hurt my self respect over and over just to maintain a friendship. I would now rather let people have a say in my glitches than have a spine and confront it on my own. And this all started by wanting to impress everyone at the corporate world to show what a brilliant asset I am, just so that I am immortal in the minds of all the biggies I work with. And then what? This is where the complications started.

I love my job. I have a job to kill for. I do. I would fight for it to maintain my position and grow agressively in it. But since when did people’s appreciation started to matter?

I wonder, since when in anything ever in life did people’s view started to matter? What do they think on how you are, or how you choose to live your life? Since when?

This is not independence.

And watching Harry Potter triggered this. Reminded me of who I really was. Of who I really am. Someone who is not bound by any social norms. Someone with a voice of her own, as strong as she could be. Someone with a mind of her own, who is not dependent on simplest of simple things on society. Someone with her own stand and not be affected with insignificant disappointment of people because this is me and my stand. Someone, who is not defined by the corporate world. Not a soft clay to be molded into a tiny monster by the confined society.

A free mind. This is independence.

And thus, in middle of nothing, I found something.

I met me again.