That Goofy Face

There’s always this boy. I had a minor crush on him. Then we became, sort of, friends. Every time he opened his mouth, I would always feel that I like him lesser. But then, no matter what he said, this tall boy, when he would smile his full goofy smile at me whenever he passed me by, I could feel my heart do a double somersault no matter how hard I suppressed it. His smile was big and always seemed​ to reach his eyes. 

I would avoid his eyes every time we passed each other by. Especially if it was more than once in a day. Because he smiles his big smile every single time! Even if he was annoying and taken, his smile was contagious. His smile would leave a smile on my lips which would pass on to the next person passing me by. 

He is unaware and it will stay that way. It will be my little secret corner in a small room in my head: He’s that goofy faced friend, who notices it all, and makes me smile unwittingly ever time he smiles. And my day gets better.

That One Kiss

She would rush around the rooms of her house, her mind swirling in turmoil. Her elder daughter’s marriage was failing. Her younger daughter refused to settle down. She found no comfort in her husband’s words, rather they flared up her temper even more. So she rushed around, busied herself in work. She overworked at her hospital as a consultant. Her patients choosing her over other doctors, because of her soft, patient and sweet nature, provided her no comfort. This success was nothing. She threw herself at the kitchen to not let her thoughts overtake her sanity. Her home was where she could be herself. Even if she held herself back, she was herself. Her impatience, her irritation and her tiredness would spill out in her tone. 

This one day when her daughters were going out together they saw her brows crossed. She had her hands on her hips as she came at the door to close after them. The younger daughter called for the lift. Neither of the daughters would dare, but the younger one pushed the door open while her mother was closing it. She looked annoyed. The daughter rushed near her and planted a kiss on her right cheek and ran off to a safe distance near the lift.

The kiss seemed to melt her bitterness away. Her brows were uncrossed and she couldn’t help herself and she gave a reluctant albeit a big smile. 

For a while, in that moment, everything was perfect and fine again. 

It Is What It Is

Did I get too comfortable?
Or was it my vanity?
When everything was at my finger tips
I walked away
Leaving everything behind
Should I blame it on the youth?
Or do I call it a wondrous risk?
Embarked on a journey born from an infatuation
To see it crumble at my feet
Most often I look back
And wonder what could have been
The places I would have traveled
The heights I would achieved
Only if I would have waited, a little while longer…
But I wonder
If universe turned back time
And granted me this wish
Would I have done anything different than this?

That One Hug

They stood on the porch at four hours past midnight, as their paths awaited to be diverged again. Their adventure had come to an end. With time, the familiarity that the distance had deprived them of, was discovered in an unknown land. With time, the comfort of being themselves with each other had fallen in comfortably like that one missing puzzle of a jigsaw.

When it was time to say their goodbyes, he held his hand forward while she glared at his formality. She opened her arms timidly and he took a step forward and gave her a hug. This was not a drunken state of mind hug. This was a conscious hug. And his hug conveyed everything that maybe his words couldn’t for the last three years of knowing each other over long distance.

That one hug, opened up a box of suppressed emotions in her. But she hid her face in the dark as she saw him sit in the car and head towards the airport. She walked away towards the elevator before he could see her again from his car.

But that one hug…

The pretense icicles in her heart had melted. There was acceptance of deep attachment to another human being. She was overwhelmed and surprised with the enormity of the feelings she had for him.

She held back the dry tears that threatened to break from her eyes. She thought maybe sleep will make it easy to bear. Maybe sleep will make the ‘momentary’ feeling wash away, she thought. She went and slept on his freshly made bed.

The morning after dark was cloudy with light drizzles. The enormity of being able to feel so deeply had still successfully caught on with her as she boarded her cab towards the airport. She confided in her friend, who sat next to her with her arms on her shoulder, as she began to understand that she was simply missing him. She had gotten used to the unasked assurance from him. The unasked fulfilled promise of being by her side, no matter how, when she needed him the most. She had gotten used to his presence around her during their adventure together. As her friend held her, she let go of her pride and felt hot tears flow freely from her eyes.

It was finally the acceptance of a beautiful bond that they shared – friendship. It was a pure, unadulterated, unselfish, maybe a little selfish, friendship. It was the acceptance of letting go of her controlled boundaries and acknowledge the special place he held in her life. It was this acceptance that made her determine to make an attempt to show her emotions like he did with her all the time.

To be honest, she had taken a while to realize the emotions of his hug. Once the feeling of his arms around her shoulders was gone, only thing that remained was the warmth that he had left behind. Maybe this was their last goodbye after all.

My Brief Affair

I am a little sad. I did not listen to myself. I did not listen to the warning bells in my head. I listened to some feelings in me. Does it count to be the same as listening to myself? I think a better way to put  this is, I didn’t listen to the rational part of my head. But, if I had not tried it I would have sat back on my desk in front of my laptop and wondered, “What if? What if I had done it, how would it have been?”

There is no regret. I did whatever I wanted to do.

There simply is a little sadness that I let things come in between a beautiful friendship. Primarily, it was work nature and disappointment that came in between. I should have known better that there exists multiple personality inside each of us. A different personality at work. A different personality outside work. And when I happened to see it in a dear friend, things seemed to start tearing apart.

There was a big disappointment. I couldn’t detach the work character from the personal character of the friend. I always had been bad at handling disappointments. I failed to understand that feeling disappointed is very normal. I failed to see that we are all humans and it is but human to be imperfect. It is those imperfections that we suddenly see in a person and feel disappointed. Rather, we call it disappointment. I fixed it before it was too late. I had let it go. But there was some damage and there were some knots in the thread of our friendship. There was difference in personal impression.

I had to step aside and take a decision. A tough decision. This is the thing about decisions, you cannot ever escape them. Like truth, they have a way of coming back and biting your ass. Making sure you go through it and do what has to be done. So I took a decision. And that decision widened the gap between my friend and I.

I learned a big lesson: There always is you and then there is friendship. There are things you must and should do for yourself. To preserve yourself and your mental peace. To preserve a friendship. For example, decision making – it should and must be for you. Not for anyone or anything. Purely you. If that will save things, then why not!

All my hopes are now torn and dumped unceremoniously. All the jealousy, discomfort and the attempts to show my vulnerable side seems like a wasted energy.

I am sad that there is no closure. I am sad that things seems to have sealed towards a goodbye and there seems to be no turning back, no first steps taken to mend it.

I am sad that I never got the beautiful in between that  I wanted in our friendship.

I am hurt with whatever that had happened that had lead to this.

But, for however long it was, it was a beautiful affair. I will try to cherish that and let everything else go.
—..

On Pain and Love

Apparently, pain demands to be felt. But then what about love? Love, something that which we pursue so desperately. To love and be loved. To bask in the admiration of one person we truly wish to be with. Drunk, so passionately on this idea that love and only love can mend everything that has been broken and left broken inside of us. Drunk, so hopelessly on this belief that, that one love will make it all right and that we will be whole again.

Pain, I agree demands to be felt. It is felt. Felt so deeply that at times I do not know what to do with that feeling. Maybe this pain is out of missing someone who has now slipped onto the other side. Maybe the reason behind this pain is the insecurity and jealousy that has creeped into my mind because of my obsessive assumptions nearing to unhealthy paranoia. Maybe the reason behind the pain is the acceptance that the one thing I wanted was never meant to be mine in the first place. Maybe. There are many generic reasons. And once the pain is allowed to be felt, we will always look for love to fill the void.

Might there not be a reason that love is not getting the proper recognition that it deserves? Pain demands to be felt, but does it need to be so morbidly dramatized? I don’t know. Maybe this all is a reasoning. Maybe this is me consoling myself asking me to stop letting the pain of the void be felt for such a long time. Still, I cannot stop wondering if it really is all about love than pain. If it’s secretly all about the want to be loved and cared for rather than swim in the attractive melancholy of pain bringing out the genius/poet inside of us. Really, in the end, when we are stripped off of everything what do we really want? And the answer ringing in my head is – love.

Love is what would bring peace in our minds and hearts. Love is what that would at times make us wonder if we are happy or sad.

Maybe this might be it. Or maybe not.

Maybe this is all as void and still like vacuum. Maybe.

Maybe it is all a game of time. Demanding to feel one thing after another. One more than another. Demanding to feel all at once sometimes. Maybe.

Right now there are feelings that are exploding like cherry bombs in my chest that I do not know what to do with these feelings at all. Probably dig and indulge in all the old memories.

Such a hot plate of mess.

My Life before Death

Death is the ultimate finality to everything. Nothing puts a big period at the end of anything as death. It means serious business and once it hits, there are no second chances.

I don’t find myself pining to the past. But I can’t help wonder, “What if?”

What would he have said, if he would have seen me right now? What would he have said, looking at all my achievements and failures right now? What if he were here with me, would I have missed his laughter the way I miss it now? A deep throaty and a hearty laughter.

He stood there, in front of the Eifel Tower, smiling and waving in the picture. It looked like the unsaid final goodbye. And nothing gripped my heart stronger than this. The last time we spoke, we parted saying, “Until later.” Not knowing this would be the last conversation we would be ever having. Not knowing the time is shorter than we had anticipated. Regretting the trip that I delayed to see him. I apparently didn’t have time.

This void will never cease to exist.

This finality made me wonder, and question lot of things.

The most haunting question was, “What is the point of everything?” Melancholy sets in easy, I know. But I couldn’t help wonder this over and over again. Is it just the want of being immortal? Because when I leave, I wouldn’t be able to take anything with me. I will have nothing: No second chances. No another – just one more breath. No one last hug. Not even time. Nothing.

Nothing will last. Even if it is immortality that I will be chasing in the name of my dreams, the immortality will also not last. It will eventually fade with the generations to come. What is the point then? I am optimistic. But, haven’t you thought of it too once?

There is everything to lose, at the end of this journey. Still, why do we pine and hold on to things? Chase things? Even the achievements that we would have earned, what would it matter once we are on the other side?

I ask this, once again, what is the grand purpose of everything? At times, when I wonder over this, I feel mechanical, as if my senses are in a comatose and I am merely existing, trapped in my body and moving around doing things as they are supposed to be done, unaware of my surroundings. Moving around people like they are some mere entities, moving around, just like me. This all makes me question again and again, am I merely existing? I would like to believe, I am little more than ordinary. I enjoy the quests and challenges. I do. But then again, what is the grand plan? What is the reason of my existence?

He brought lot of laughter and happiness in our lives. He liked to enjoy everything on his terms, when it came to himself. This is what I primarily remember of him whenever he crosses my mind. He took nothing with him.

I wonder, if he is standing on the other side and looking at things down here, wondering how he could have done that something in a different way. I wonder, if he is feeling free from all the pain he had to go through. I wonder, what he must have felt first once he was on the other side. If he found the answers to all these questions. If he found the secret of the grand plan. If he found out what needs to be chased in this life. If he found the reason behind our existence. I wonder, if he understood the “point of everything”. If everything looks silly to him, when he looks down here from the other side.

It is only death of a close one that makes us stop for a while and rethink everything. Is it because of the finality staring straight in our eyes? Or is it the harsh reality that is mocking us in our face, telling us again and again that nothing lasts forever.

What is it?

This unrest is unsettling. The shades of grey are never ending. It is an uncomfortable acceptance that it is highly unrealistic to expect things to be in perfect black or white.

Till there is a strong answer to all this burning curiosity, I will continue to chase all the things that I would fight tooth and nail to have in my life. I will try my best and appreciate everything around me more and prioritize what does and does not matter. I will live and not merely exist.

Probably, this is what he would want too.
—..

My Ode to Chennai

It always begins with a hesitation.

It was about leaving the comfort and security.

And, thus it started… The abrupt pause of my heart mid-way and I catch my breath half way till I cannot breathe anymore. There is darkness in front of my eyes and hot flashes all over. My eyes are open, arms thrown out looking for support as I gasp for breath. Heart beat starts racing, pumping blood with such force that I fear my chest will erupt. I am hyperventilating. I am not thinking.

There is this claustrophobic fear gripping my heart, making me want to bolt and disappear in thin air. But I am paralyzed and can do nothing but wait for it to pass.

10 minutes later, my knees are weak and my breathing is back to normal. I had panicked.

It seemed like it was the end of everything, as you know it.

A new job. A new city. Another unrecognizable language. Another impending, unavoidable culture clashes. And a cold welcome in this extremely warm city where I knew no one.

A perfect scenario for fresh new start.

It didn’t seem so at that time.

It was just the beginning of an unwanted struggle – thrown out ruthlessly from a secure cocoon to harsh real independence, with little money in my pocket. And little did I know this was what was in store:

The pain to build life, piece by piece, the fire to keep all the passions alive, till the next best thing I was looking for was at my doorstep. Building new friendships, letting some friendships go sour and the lasting friendship kept me going in this city when I had nothing to hold on to. Paying my own bills. Struggling with the ever rising rent. The impossible roommates. Border lining bankruptcy which always made making choices simpler. Living like a real minimalist to save money for the future. There was this plan for the future. There were dreams that always kept me going.

This struggle was never ending.

And as this chapter comes to a close I realize, I had a life I had dreamt of when I was in college. Life of independence and freedom. The struggle was what I enjoyed the most. Some challenge every other day. Challenges that I love.

It is these ideas about the future is finally taking some shape. It was this impetuous heart’s decision to jump into a new unknown uncertainty.

And, thus it started again with the abrupt pause of my heart…

Which will be fine in next 10 minutes when I can breathe again.

I will survive, yet again. And make it all the way till the finish line.

To the next new beginnings in another city.
—..

Thank you Chennai.

My Adventure with Gazelle

It was a long drive. With many white lies. Once we reached our destination, it was the beginning of our own version of Mr. Bean’s Holiday.

It all started once we saw our first circle of the city. There were three roads ahead of us. By the time we saw a sign and decided which road to take, we had circled the roundabout twice. And when we realized what had happened, we bursted out laughing, and thus began our very own mini adventure. Then onward any road we took would be a path to new discovery. We were still lost. But the beauty of being lost is, you have no notions or a set up path and you end up finding new things. Build stronger relations. Face all emotions. And in the end, attain the most important thing we pursue: happiness in all that fun.

We had little time to spare and lot of things to do. And it’s amazing, how we then begin to value our time. The lesser the more valuable it gets. Unconsciously your whole world will revolve around that precious few hours. Inevitably you are made to think and decide – who and what deserves your time. And those decisions keep happening spontaneously, without you realizing who and what you discarded in that hurried moment. Probably that was the hard truth. Or probably that was what you chose to let go.

It was actually very simple. But the white lies made it all look like a big risk. It was a big risk. But in the end, it was worth it. And that added to the excitement.

Drive down to have one cup of hot chocolate and meet the love of my life.

Drive down to have one big plate of chicken and beer and do what he and I had planned to do since a long time.

The crazier it sounds when you start doing it, the better and better it keeps getting.

To Blue Days

Blue days. Where would be all those art filled with raw emotions be, if it were not for blue days? Poets singing ballads? Philosophers making theories for comfort? Musicians strumming on guitars?

If it were not for blue days, there would be no hope, fighting for better times and growing to be stronger. If it not for those days, there would be no logical answers to a hopeless hope. An anger putting an end to a misery. And thus moving forward.

On this blue day, I wonder what would be the reason of my emotional amusement that had caught my attention for so long? Making me act all silly and watch myself stumble with words. Should there be a reason to like? Is falling for someone that difficult now?

Before I drown in the beauty of music, I wonder if I’m hiding behind the pretext of blues and finding reasons to run away than stand up and face the outcome.

But if it weren’t for the blues, I would be as good as dead today.

To my blues and many more…